Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus What do two lesbians need to mary? A liquor license Two condoms are walking down the street and pass by a local gay pub. They stop outside of the pub and one condom says to the other, "What do you say we go in and get shit-faced tonight!! Two gays are walking down the street, when they see a dog licking its balls. Says one, "Gee I wish I could do that." The other one says, "Yeah, but you'd better pet it first." Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A. A liquor cabinet. What do 400lb. gerbils do for fun?? Shove fags up their asses. What do you call two Russian lesbians? Ulic and Ilic If you had a homosexual on your back, would you beat him off? What do the gerbils say when the homosexuals come into the pet store? arf,arf,arf,arf, bow wow bow wow etc. A bloke gets pulled over by the police, "Excuse me sir, but have you been drinking tonight" "Why officer ? Is there a fat bird in the car ?" A guy gets married and for the first year he never leaves his wife alone. Every day , morning noon and night, he is at it . His wife is a little pissed off about this so she goes to her mother and says "mum he won't leave me alone , every day 4-5times a day he is like a rabbit . Her mother tells her to go to the fish mongers and get a kipper and place it in her pussy. That night the husband comes home and drags her upstairs, rips off her clothes and proceeds to make love to her . On entry he screams and pulls out , he is bleeding greasy and covered in scratches, so for the next year he does not even look at his wife. She, beginning to feel a little randy after this long lay off , again approaches her mother and asks for advice . Her mother tells her to wait until he is in bed and then show him what he is missing . That night , he is lying in bed , she strips off and climbs onto the bed. She then steps over him, but just as her arse is passing his face , she farts. The guy looks up and says "bark you bastard , you won't bite me again" After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?" A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!! ================================================ A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!!" ========================================= My nookie days are over My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is just my water spout. I used to be embarrassed To make the thing behave For every single morning It used to watch me shave. But now I'm getting older It sure gives me the blues To see the thing hang down my leg And watch me shine my shoes. ============================================================== The successful (and handsome) contractor parked his brand-new Porsche Boxster in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door. The contractor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the contractor started screaming hysterically. His car, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the contractor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you contractors are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the contractor arrogantly. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your right arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. "Fuck!" screamed the contractor. "Where's my Rolex?" ====================================================== There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?" She says, "I licked the icing off the sofa." ====================================================== Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" . "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?". "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot." sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?". The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus." This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.' His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.' Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. 'No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.' A guy walks into this bar and says, "Hey bartender, give me a Budweiser." So the bartender gets him a Bud. The man is enjoying his beer when he notices two beautiful blondes at the end of the bar. The man noticing that his beer is empty says, "Hey bartender, another Bud, and get those ladies at the end of the bar a drink on me." The bartender gives the man his Bud, and says "Don't bother getting those girls a drink, it won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time." The man says, "Naaa. Give em one on me." So the bartender pours the girls a drink and gives em to the blondes. The girls out of respect raise their glasses, in a sort of thank you, and take a drink. The man now figures he's in. So he walks over to the girls. He notices that the girls are empty again. So the man yells, "Hey bartender, how about another round over here?" The two girls look up at him and one says, "It won't do you any good. You're just waisting your time. " Well the man puzzled, says, "The bartender said the same thing. What the hell does that mean I'm just waisting my time??" The other blonde says, "Well we're lesbians, we love to eat pussy!!" The man now has a huge smile on his face and yells to the bartender, "Hey bartender, 3 beers for us lesbians!!!" A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you sell condoms here?" The bartender replies, "Sure do." "How much do they cost?" "They're different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I'll give you a price." So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much?"That will be £1.15 + tax." "I don't need the tacks! It'll stay up all by itself." A guy has been drinking in a bar all day and asks the bartender where the toilet is. So they guy goes to the toilet and he's there pissing away when he looks to his right and sees a black guy come in. The black guy pulls out his cock and it's fucking huge. The black guy goes over to a urinal, swings his dick like a bat and smashes the urinal in two. He then goes over to a sink, swings his disk and smashes the sink in two, he then goes over to the toilets doors and smashes his cock off the door smashing it in half. He says to the guy, "I'm gonna fuck you up the ass!!!" The guy goes "Phew! For a minute I thought you were going to hit me with it." A pig walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer please" The bartender says "Certainly sir, that's £1.80 please" And the pig goes "Well, the thing is before I cam here I'd just been to the fair and I went on all the rides, I went on the roundabout and I went round and round and round and then I went on the waltzes and I just went round and round and round and then I went on the helter skelter and I just kept going round and round and round and I think all my money must have fallen out of my pockets." And the bartender goes "Well that's all very well but why the round tale/tail?" A crocodile walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Once upon a time there were three bears, mummy bear, daddy bear and baby bear. One day the three bears decided to go for a walk because it was a nice day. Whilst they were out this nosey little bitch called Goldilocks stumbled upon their home and by smashing a window entered the cottage. She walked into the kitchen and found three bowls of porridge, a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a greedy cow she ate all three up. Then she walked into the living room and saw three chairs - a small one, a medium one and a large one and being a dirty cow she pooed on each one. Then she went upstairs into the bedroom and saw three beds - a small one, a medium one and a large bed. First she sat on the biggest bed but it was too hard, then she sat on the medium sized bed but alas it was too soft and then she sat on the smallest bed and it was just right because it had a Teletubbies quilt cover. Goldilocks was so content that she fell asleep. Soon after, the three bears came back from their walk. "Who's been eating our food?" wailed mummy bear "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear "Your food tastes like shit anyway!" Then the three bears walked into the living room "Who's been pooing on my chair?" wailed mummy bear. "It doesn't matter mummy" replied baby bear. "We always poo on our chairs." Then the three bears went upstairs because they were tired after their walk and they were looking forward to a bit of hanky panky because they are funny little bears. "WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?" bellowed daddy bear. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" cried mummy bear. "Look, look there's somebody in my bed" said baby bear with glee. On hearing all this commotion Goldilocks woke up with a fright and immediately ran downstairs and all the way home and that was the last they ever saw of Goldilocks. "That's all very well" replied the bartender "but why the long face?" This couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says " I really really want to squeeze you tit's. Will you let me?" The lady turns around and says "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!" The bloke then says "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it--please let me" The lady turns round and says "Look you pervert get away from me! I'll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don't piss off!" The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp." "RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman. Just then her boyfriend came out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin' on here??!!!" The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my tits!" Her boyfriend rolled up one of his sleeves and was just about to smack him when the lady shouts "That's not all, he wants to rub my arse!" So her boyfriend rolled up the other sleeve! "And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me up with beer and down it in one big gulp! So are you going to beat him up then?" Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves and says "Of course not darling, I ain't messing with a bloke that can drink that much beer!!!" Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here." His friends say, "Prove it." He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack! Off comes the hand. The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes the arm. The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?" "NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself." A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink.then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?" This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am." Well, the little guy goes over and whips the shit out of the big man and leaves. Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the shit out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla. Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?" Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!" After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender "when the nigger wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can!" Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!" A guy is sitting at the bar watching the game and enjoying his beer. Another guy strolls over and they begin to converse. After a while the second asks if he had ever played "beer football?" He said no, and asked how to play. "Well, if you chug a beer, you get 6 points, and if you bend over and fart, you get an extra point." So, the second guy starts off by chugging his beer and farting. The first man chugged his beer with ease, and when he bent over to fart, the second guy came up behind and exclaimed, "BLOCK THE KICK!" There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest. After 12 shots of vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unfazed, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. Upon which seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs into the john. an hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left, so he ventures out and upon seeing the other piece of tarmac, he is asked why he ran off. To this he replies "Haven't you heard about him?, He's a CYCLE-PATH !!!!!!" 3 Midgets are in a bar arguing. "I have the smallest hands in the world!" says the first. "I have the smallest feet in the world!" says the second. "I have the smallest penis in the world!" bragged the third. The bartender eventually gets annoyed and says, "Enough is enough! Tommorow you all go down to the Guiness Book of World Records and find out where each of you stands!" They all do. The first midget returns to the bar with a trophy "smallest hands in the World" and a check for £5,000. The second returns to the bar with a trophy "smallest feet in the World" and a check for £5,000. The third returns in a terrible mood, stomps into the bad and hollers, "Who in the hell is Al Gore????" A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and says, "A beer for me, and one for the giraffe, please." So they proceed to drink. Then: "...a shot for me and one for the giraffe, too" And they keep drinking all evening. Finally the giraffe passes out on the floor of the bar. The guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. The bartender shouts out, "Hey! You're not going to leave that lying on the floor, are you?" "That's not a lion... it's a giraffe." Jesus Christ walks into a bar, slams three nails down onto the counter and says to the bartender, "Can you put me up for the night?" Two gay guys walking past a funeral home one says to the other "Do you want to go inside and suck down a couple cold ones." Okay a guy walked into a bar with a cork shoved up his butt. Bartender asks him how that happended and he says, "Well I was walking along the beach and I found a magic lamp. I picked it up to brush it off and when I started to rub it a genie popped out. He told me I had 3 wishes and I said 'No shit!!!!'" A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...........so the barman gave her one! Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of Bud please" and the second donkey says "hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that" An Irishman walks out of a bar. Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?" "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie." The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. These three guys walk up to a bar and are greated by a woman. The woman says that in order for them to be able to get into the bar the lengths of their dicks must add up to a foot. The first guy whips his out and she measures it at 6 in. The next guy wips his out and she measures it at 5 inches. The last guy takes his out and she measures it at 1 in. After they come out of the bar the first guy states how lucky they are that he had such a long dick. The second guy says the same thing. The third guy says that the other two should be especially grateful that he had a boner. A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us." A vagrant walks into a bar and is told by the bartender to get out! The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A moment later another Vagrant walks in to the bar and again the bartender tells this one to leave. The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A third vagrant walks into the bar and this time the bartender offers him a cocktail stick to leave. However the vagrant declines the offer and asks for a drinking straw. The bartender inquires to why the Vagrant wants a drinking straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks? The vagrant replies, 'well someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits are gone!' A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?" A guy sees a pretty lady at the end of the bar and is interested in buying her a drink. He tells the bartender that he will buy her another of whatever she is drinking. The bartender says "OK, I'll pour it for her. But just for your information, she's a hooker. She'll do what you want for money." The drink gets delivered and the woman makes eyes at the guy, inviting him over. After a couple of minutes of chatting, the guy gets up the nerve to ask her: "The bartender says you're a hooker, is that true?" The woman says "Yes. I do it for the money. In fact, I'll do anything for £200." The guy thinks for a minute and then pulls out £200, gives it to her and says "Paint my house." There's these 3 girls (blonde, brunette and redhead) who walk into a bar and then a cop comes in a relized they were all under age so they all bolted. They ran into an alley where there were 3 trash bags...then the police come and the officer kicks the first one (where the brunette was) and she says "meow" and the officer says "oh it's just a bunch of cats" then he kicks the next one where the red haired girl was hiding and she says "woof woof" and the officer says "it's only a bunch of dogs" then he kicks the last bag where the blonde is hiding and she says "potato's potato's." This American lady comes to a small town in Ireland on holidays, she goes into a bar where four men are sitting drinking and asks the barman to give her a pint of what the locals drink, so the barman says fair enough its your call. So she downs the pint, falls flat on her face and is out for the count. The four lads look down and say, "Jesus she's a bit of stuff, I wouldn't mind having some fun with her." So the four lads pick her up, find her apartment key, strip her naked and shag her senseless. The next day there's about 20 lads in the pub, in she walks and says to the barman "a pint of what the locals drink please" no problem he says, so she downs it, falls flat on her face, out for the count again. All 20 bring her back and have their way with her. By this stage the whole town has heard, so the next day the pub is full to capacity waiting for her. So in she walks and goes up to the bar, the barman says "a pint of what the locals drink is it?" She says "No, give us a pint of Heineken, that other stuff was ripping the cunt off me." This alligator decides to get out of the hot sun of the mangrove swamp one day, so he walks into town to find a cool, dark place to rest. He finds a bar that's nice and dark and walks right in. He finds a stool at the end of the bar, sits down and relaxes. The bartender puts down a glass he's been Irishing, walks over to the 'gator, looks him up and down then asks, "What'll ya have today?" The alligator thinks about it and orders a scotch, straight up. The bartender walks off to get the drink and the 'gator looks around the bar to see what kind of a joint he's in. He notices that except for himself and the bartender, the only other person in the bar is an ugly, mean looking old biker chick sitting at the other end of the bar. The bartender brings him the scotch, and the 'gator shoots it down. Then all of a sudden the 'gator's stomach rumbles, and he remembers that he hasn't eaten for about three weeks. He asks the bartender, "You got any food here?" The bartender says no and suggests another drink, instead. The 'gator agrees, and the bartender walks off. While the alligator's waiting for the bartender to bring his next drink, he starts to dwell on how hungry he is. The more he thinks about it, the worse his hunger gets. He looks at the old biker chick again and thinks to himself, "I bet nobody'd miss her if she disappeared, and she can't taste any worse than drunk fisherman..." He starts to slip off his stool just as the bartender comes back with his new drink. The 'gator stops, sits back down and takes his drink. He sips it and asks the bartender, "So like, is that lady down there waiting for anyone? She looks like she's been here for a while..." The bartender glances at the woman like he's just noticed her for the first time and says, "Naw. She's always in here, just sittin' there talkin' to herself and swearing. Nobody ever pays any attention to her, 'cause she's so ornery. In fact, I'd pretty much forgotten about her." The 'gator's eyes light up and he licks his huge, smelly yellow teeth. "Say," he says to the bartender, "I'm so hungry, I'm gonna go down there and eat her right up!" The bartender gets alarmed by the 'gator's announcement and tells him, "No, wait! Don't do it! I really think you should reconsider and eat something else later-- maybe down at the diner. Here, I'll even fix you another drink, on the house. Besides, you wouldn't like eating her-- she's so tough and mean, she's gotta taste terrible!" The 'gator thinks about all this and finally says, "Yeah, alright. I suppose I've waited this long to eat, another hour or so won't kill me..." But the new drink just seems to make the alligator all the more hungry and determined to make the lady his lunch. The bartender argues with him three more times, fixes him more and bigger drinks on the house and desperately tries every trick he knows about controlling drunks to keep the alligator from eating the lady on the stool. But all of a sudden the 'gator slips off the stool and-- before the bartender can stop him another time-- thrashes down to the other end of the bar, tears the woman from her stool and eats her right down in three horrible bites, bones and all. The 'gator takes a deep breath, belches and sighs contentedly. He climbs up on the stool the lady was most recently sitting in and is about to order an after dinner drink when he notices that his ears are ringing, the room is spinning and he can't feel his head! His eyes roll up into their sockets and the 'gator pitches off the stool: he passes out, stone cold on the floor. The next thing the 'gator knows, he's looking up at the spinning, worried face of the bartender. The bartender's slapping him and throwing cold water in his muzzle. Slowly, painfully and in nausea the 'gator regains complete consciousness. He sits up, sways a bit and then steadies himself on the barstool. He looks at the concerned bartender and asks, "What happened to me? I feel like warm shit on a cold beach..." The bartender says, "It was the lady. I told you and told you, 'don't eat her,' but you just wouldn't listen to me!" The 'gator thinks about this and asks, "But what was wrong with her? I've eaten dozens of folks and none of them have ever had that affect on me." The bartender looks at the 'gator sternly, shakes his head and say, "Well maybe you've learned a lesson today, and next time you'll be a little more careful about what you mix with your drinking: You're lucky to be alive, that's all I have to say about it." The 'gator still looks confused, so the bartender says to him, "By christ, man, don't you know anything? You passed out because after all those drinks you had, that was the bar bitch you ate!" A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says "What is this a joke?" A black, a Rabbi, a Irishman, a blonde, a Russian, a priest, and a nun walk into the bar. The bartender says "What is this? Some kind of joke?" There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon. He gets to the end of the bar and asks, "excuse me sir, I couldn't help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong. Mr. Armstrong replies, "well yes I am how may I help you?" The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. "I am a journalist" replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies "Oh, Okay." The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said "Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind", but what I really said was "once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline." "Who the hell is Matt Kline?" replied the man. "Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didn't make the cut," said Armstrong. "Okay" replied the man. "Well one day I was the best man at Matt's wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matt's wife say, 'the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!" A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out. One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why. "Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18" The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!" The bartender asks "so which one died?" "No one." "But you only ordered two drinks!" "Yeah, well, I've given up drinking." So two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here." A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her £50. The blonde politely takes the £50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5, and goes back to sleep.