The Jokes Page

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Two guys walk into a bar. One has to get stitches.

 An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to

 their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going die. But

 we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third

 day, you die. What first wish?"

  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The indians get his

 horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps

 the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse

 comesback with a naked blonde.

  She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

 The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man... only

 think one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What wish today?"

  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians

 bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something

 in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse

 comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee

 with the cowboy.

  The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going

 die tomorrow ... can only think one thing." The last day comes, and

 the chief says, "This last wish, white man. What want?"

  The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians

 bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard

 and yells, "Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

An Irishman walks into a bar as the bartender turns away in disgust from seeing the 
pile of shit the Irishman is holding.

"Hey Harry---Look what I almost stepped in!"

An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order

a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in

each mug of beer. Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says,

"That's disgusting." The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking

the beer. The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it out the counter and


A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops in a bar for 

a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door 

saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits 


The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of 

nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a 

truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The 

bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around

hisglasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and 

pencils, and belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a 

word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not 

to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in 

season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver 

finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The 

back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps 

out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are 

all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes 

he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what 

happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling 

several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car

screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I 

thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you 

can't bait 'em."

So there's this guy who meets a girl in a bar. They talk most of the

night and arrange to get together the next night for a date. He tells

her he'll come by about 7 on his motorcycle that he's buying tomorrow.

So he goes and buys this bike, but it's an older bike. The guy he's

buying it from tells him to get some Vaseline to put on the points when

it rains to keep them from rusting, so he stops at the drug store on the

way to this girls house and gets some Vaseline.

He gets to the girls house and is invited in to dinner with her parents

and younger sister. His date tells him "We have a rule in this house.

Whoever talks first at dinner has to do ALL the dishes." He looks around

and there are dishes piled EVERYWHERE, ceiling to floor, new dishes in

the shelves cause they buy new ones because no one has talked at dinner

for several years. He's thinking "Damn. I gotta make somebody talk, or

I'm gonna get stuck doing all these dishes."

They get to the dinner table and he's trying to think of how to make

somebody talk. So, he reaches over and starts playing with his dates

panties under the table. Her dad sees this, and is obviously pissed off,

but doesn't say a word. (He doesn't want to do these dishes.) Seeing

this isn't working, he picks his date up and lays her up on the table,

rips her panties off, and starts fuckin. Dad's REAL pissed off now, but

still doesn't say anything.

He's thinkin, "Hmmm. Try something else." So he grabs Mom, tosses her up

on the table, goes to work. Dad's mad as HELL now, but still doesn't say

anything. This guys gettin desperate, so he grabs little

sister.....tosses her up on the table. Dad's REAL pissed off now,

looking around the room, trying to find his shotgun.....still not a

word, though.

Just then, there's this big clap of thunder outside. The guy remembers

the points on the bike, and it's about to rain. He jumps up, grabs the

Vaseline. Moving towards the door, he accidently makes eye contact with

the Dad. Dad's eyes get big, and he stands up and says, "ALRIGHT!!! I'll

do the damn dishes."

A guy walks into a bar, he notices a sign behind the bar saying,

"Hamburger 2.50, Cheese Burger 3.50, Hand job 20." He looks around

and sees the Bar maid, he flags her over. This lady is dressed in a

very short, low cut skirt. In fact this dress is so small it almost

doesn't cover her. He asks her if that sign is true. She says, "Yes I

personally hand deliver everything on that list." Then she gives him a

wink. He says, "Good, go wash your hands and get me a cheese burger!"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a pretty woman. He orders a drink and turns to her.

Guy: "Can I smell your pussy."

Woman: "Absolutely not!"

Guy: "Oh, it must be your feet".

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells,
 "Who's white horse it that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says,
 "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and
 he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering 
from head exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket 
of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.
 It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around
 Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts 
running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much
 more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradoan, attending a convention in a

little town just outside Las Vegas, were standing in a seedy bar

enjoying a few drinks.

The Californian grabbed his wine spritzer, knocked it back in one gulp,

then he threw the glass against the back wall, smashing it to pieces. He

told the other startled drinkers that the standard of living was so high

in California that they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Texan finished drinking his Margarita, and threw HIS glass

against the back wall. He loudly proclaimed that in Texas not only were

they all are rich from oil, but they had so much sand that glass was

cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Coloradoan drank his beer, drew a revolver, and shot the

Californian and the Texan. As he was returning the gun to his holster,

he told the wide-eyed bartender that in Colorado they had so many Texans

and Californians that they never had to drink with the same ones twice.

This bear walks into this bar and asks the bartender to get him a pint

of beer so the bartender thinks that "Well this is a mean looking bear

so I better not piss him off." So the bartender gets the bear his pint

and says to the bear that it will cost him 15.99 so the bear gives the

bartender a 20 dollar bill and the bartender thinks "Well I better not

try to rip this bear off." So he gives the bear back the proper change so

time passes and later the bartender wants to start a conversation with

the bear so he goes up to him and says "You know we don't really get too

many bears in here." Then the bear says "Well for 15.99 a pint I can

see why!.

This bloke, a cat and an ostrich walked into a bar. They all sit down and

the bloke orders three pints and pays for them. When they've finished these

the ostrich calls the barman over and orders another three pints. Once

they've downed these the bloke tells the cat, "It's your round - get them

in" and the cat immediately tells him to fuck off.

The barman is intrigued by this strange trio and asks the bloke about his

companions. "Well its strange really, but I found this lamp and a genie

popped out and gave me three wishes and those two are the result."

"What?", says the barman, "You wished for a fucking cat that doesn't buy its

round and an ostrich?!!"

"No. What I actually asked for was a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."'s the American translation...

Guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. He orders a pint of beer, the ostrich says
 "I'll have a pint, too", and the cat says "I'll have a half pint... but I'm NOT PAYING!"

Barkeep puts down the drinks, says it'll be 3.40, and the guy reaches into his pocket, 
grabs all the money he has, slaps it down on the bar, and it's exactly 3.40. The barkeep 
thinks this is a bit odd, but says nothing.

Later, the barkeep comes back for a second round, the guy orders a tall scotch, and the 
ostrich orders the same. The cat says, "I'll have a short scotch and water... but I'm NOT 
PAYING!" Barkeep says that'll be 5.55, the guy puts his hand in his pocket, grabs all the money
 he has, slaps it down on the bar, and it's exactly 5.55. By now the barkeep is intrigued.

"Hey," he says, "how come every time I tell you your tab you come up with exact change 
without even looking?"

"Well," the guy says, "I once saved the life of an old witch, and as a reward she gave me 
two wishes. I thought about the first one long and hard, and wished that every time I buy 
something, all I have to do is reach into my pocket and I'll come up with exact change to pay for it."

"Wow!" says the barkeep. "That's brilliant! Most people would just wish for a million bucks 
and blow it all in a couple of months, but for the rest of your life you'll always be able to
 pay for whatever you want, from a candy bar to a Rolls Royce! What about your second wish?"

"Well," says the guy sheepishly, "I didn't think that one through, I'm afraid. I wished for a
 chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

A guy walks into a bar looking real down in the dumps. The bartender

notices this and asks the guy what is wrong. "My wife told me if I ever

come home drunk again, she was going to divorce me." The bartender tells

the guy he has nothing to worry about, it was probably just a threat. The

guy agrees with the bartender and proceeds to get drunk. After more shots

of rum and tequila than he can count, the man is sitting with his face down

at the bar and pukes all over his shirt. after realizing what he had done,

the man starts to panic. "What am I going to do? My wife is going to kick

me out of the house and take everything I've got." The bartender calms him

down and tells him to stick a 20 bill in his shirt pocket and tell his

wife it was some other drunk who puked all over him and he gave him the

twenty to cover the shirt. After a couple cups of coffee the guy drives

home to find his wife packing her bags. He starts to explain what happened

to his shirt and he pulls out two 20 bills to show his wife. Wondering

why the man gave her husband 40, the wife asks, "What's the other 20 bill

for?" the husband replies, "he shit in my pants too."

Two men walk into a bar both wearing long faces. The bartender asks the first man, "Why the 
long faces?"

The first man replied, "Well, my wife and I went out to dinner the other night and we had a 
gorgeous waitress. When I pointed

to the menu to tell her what I wanted I said, 'I'd like a tit of bat,' but what I meant to say was, 
'I'd like a bit of that!' 

The bartender says, "Oh. How 'bout you, buddy?" he asked the other man. 

"My wife and I were eating breakfast and I meant to say, 'Please pass the butter,' 
but it came out, 'You ruined my life bitch!'"

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, 
"No way buddy you're too drunk." 

A few minutes later the drunk comes in throught the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink",
 bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk" 

Five minutes later the guy comes in throught the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender
 says "You're too drunk"

the drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

A lady walks into a bar with a duck under each arm. The bartender

says,"Hey! you can't bring that pig in here!"

The lady says,"It's not a pig, they're ducks."

"I was talking to the ducks!"

This guys walks into a bar and orders two beers. He pounds one and pours

the other on his right hand. Promptly he orders two more. Pounding

one, he pours the other on his right hand. Now the barternder is

looking at this guy kinda funny like. The guy orders two more beers and

the bartender says, "Mister why you drinking one of them beers and

pouring the other on you hand?"

The guy replies, "Because I want my date to be as drunk as I am."

A man walks into a bar with a pie on his head. He orders a beer.

The bartender asks "Why have you got a pie on your head?"

The man replies "It's Wednesday isn't it?"

"No it's Tuesday."

"Agh no!! I must look like a right pratt then!!"

A dwarf sits on the balcony of the bar and starts yelling to everyone in the house that he is MACHO,
that he is the toughest guy around. So he orders the hardest drink the bartender has. The first drink 
comes up, and he swallows it. 
The second drink comes up, and gone! The third, the fourth... All along he's yelling how tough he is. 
Then a big black eight foot tall guy walks in and says: "Come with me." They go to the bathroom and 
the big guy fucks the dwarf. 
The dwarf freaks out: "Oh my God, what am I going to do! What's everybody gonna think of me?" 
"Don't worry"- says the big guy - " You can go around and say that YOU did it." 
The next day the dwarf is back at the bar. He sits down and start his old yelling again. Another dwarf 
shows up, and sits by him. 
"I am the toughtest guy in here!" 
"No, I am the toughest! 
So the argument goes on. So they decided to order some drinks to end the argument. After the sixth 
drink, the big black guy enters in. The first dwarf turns around and say: 
"See that big guy?" 
"I fucked him." 
The second dwarfs looks at the friends eyes and say: "So did I. Shall we run?"

This lady walks into a bar (shes already had too much to drink). She

says to the bartender "cartunner, give me a martunny." So he gives her

one. She drinks that down and ask for another. He gives her one and she

drinks that one. Well, about an hour later she sittin' there and she says

"Cartunner, boy do I have heart burn."

By then he's getting fed up with her. "Lady, first of all it's not a martunny, it's a

martini. I'm not cartunner, I'm bartender. And you don't have heartburn. Your boob is in the ashtray!"

Two cannibals walk into a bar. They sit down next to a clown. The first one says "I really hate 
clowns and I'm hungry."
The second agrees with him and suggests they share him. Cannibal one starts at the feet and the
second starts on his head.
After about 2 minutes of knawing on the clown the second cannibal asks "How are you doing?"
The first cannibal replies "I'm having a ball!"
To which the second screams "Slow down! You're going to fast!"

Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over

and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go

to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a

noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick,

hide in the closet!" So he does.

He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks 
around trying to

find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in


So he quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?" 

The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared,

I'm gonna scream."

The man whispers back "no, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

The little boy answers "gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..." 

"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

The guy says "look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."


So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears 
the door close he runs out of

the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street.


Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall

when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd

REALLY like that bike."

"Sorry hon, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

And the kid says "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars"

She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

"I'll never tell."

"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

"I'll never tell."

"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to

church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession."

So she does.


The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee,

it's dark in here..."

And the priest answers "now let's not start THAT shit again..."

Watch where you crap

Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the john while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender. All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the john. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounder like his partner screaming, so he went into the john to investigate. He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls. His friend shook his head and said,"You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket!" A sign over the men's toilet at the bar reads: "We aim to please - you aim too please." A man walks into a bar and the bartender said "Hey George, how about a beer." George replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky." "Why call you Lucky?" "Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I reliezed I had forgot something in the car. Right after I walk away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on me." "Boy you are lucky." The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said "Hey Lucky, how about a beer." "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky." "Now what happened?" "Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night, when the guy downstairs got mad, because of the noise and shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts." "Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?" "A minute earlier he would have got me right between the eyes". Drunk walks into the bar. Tells the bartender he has to go to the bathroom. Bartender points the way, and the drunk staggers off into the can. Comes back a few seconds later, "Hey", he shouts, "Dar ain't no toilet paper in dat bathroom!" Bartender says "Well, I suggest you use a dollar." Drunk says "Hey good idea" and staggers back into the can. Drunk was in there for a long time. When he finally returns, both hands are covered in shit right up to the elbows. "What happened to you?" asks the bartender. "Hell" answers the drunk, "you ever try wiping you ass with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel?" Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, we pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges. Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guys pocket. Bartender asks whats going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy. Once more the little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket. Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave." Guy says "Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes! So first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill! Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!" "Third wish...I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!" A man from Ward 3 sneaked out of the City Hospital down to Shaftesbury Square and ino Lavery's pub still in his dressing gown. He ordered a pint of Smithwick's and a double Black Bush. Having downed them in 5 minutes he asked for the same again. As he drained the last drops of the Bush he said to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got." The barman stood back, alarmed, and asked "What have you got?" "About 50p" said the patient. A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I bet for a hundred dollar that, if you give me a beer, I can tell you what kind of beer it is." So the bartender gives him the first beer and the guy says: "That's an easy one: Budweiser." The bartender's amazed and gives him the next beer and the guy says: "This one is a Warsteiner." And every time the bartender gives him a beer, he knows what kind of beer it is. After a while the bartender starts to think: "Shit, this is gonna cost me a hundred dollars. I have to think of something else." So, he goes to the bathroom, pees in the glass and gives it to the guy. The guy takes the glass, takes a sip, lets it roll in his mouth, swallows it and says: "Well, this is a hard one." Then he takes another sip and says: "Heineken, but someone has drunk it before." Two blondes walk into the bar....You'd think one of them would of seen it? A man walks into a bar and starts pouring down the beers. Burp. Having had one too many, the man was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe? You and me?" As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?" A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a triple martini. The bartender says "What a coincidence, The only other person at the bar is that beautiful woman at the other end. She is also drinking triple martinis." After a few sips of his drink, the man walks up to the woman and says, "Isn't it a coincidence that we are both having the same drink." She replies "Yes! I am here because I am celebrating. After 20 years of trying I am finally pregnant!" "What a coincidence," the man replied. "I am also celebrating. After years of experimenting, I have invented a multicolored chicken." At this, the woman asked "How did you ever accomplish that!?" "I had to try a lot of different cocks," he said. The woman replied "What a coincidence!!!!" A man stomps into a bar, obviously angry. He growls at the bartender, "Gimme a beer", takes a slug, and shouts out, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar retorts, "You take that back!" The angry man snarls, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole!" A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy: "Mate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!" A man walks into a bar holding a 25 lb. turtle, whips his penis out, and holds the turtle to it. The turtle bites down and then the man pokes the turtle in the eye and it lets go. He looks around the bar and says "Now is anyone brave enough to try that?" Then this queer stands up in the back and says "I will if you promise not to poke my eyes out." Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar?? She heard drinks were on the house. A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way." So the bartender says, "Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock." These two guys walk into a bar and start taking shots of whiskey. After about four shots they start disputing over who has the larger penis. They decide to whip them out onto the bar. About that time a gay guy comes walking right up between them. He say's to the bartender "I'll have the chicken wings," then looking down at the bar turns to the bartender again and say's "Nevermind... I'll just have the buffet!" A man walks into a bar and slips on a big pile of shit all the way up to the bar. The bar man says "Sorry pal, I've been trying to clean that up all week but it won't budge, what 'll it be?" The man orders his drink and thinks nothing of his misfortune. A second man walks into the bar and again, slips on the pile of shit, skidding up to the bar. The first man casually looks at him and says "I did that five minutes ago", So the second man turns round and punches his lights out. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?" The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure pal, toilet's right down the hall." There was a Chinese bartender. One day a white man comes into the bar and orders a coke the Chinese man says "Me Chinese. Me play joke. Me PP in your coke." The next day a black man comes in and orders a coke. The Chinese man says the same thing to the black man. The next day a cowboy comes in andorders a coke and the Chinese man says the same thing but this time the cowboy says "Me cowboy. Me shoot fast. Me put bullet up your ASS." Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself." A blonde waitress goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, the bartender, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??" "No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!" A bum walks into a bar carrying an old crank organ. He starts to grind out a tune while his little monkey starts pan handling the patrons with his little cup. Then he jumps on the bartenders shoulder and starts poking his little penis in the bartenders ear. Try as he may the bartender can't get the monkey loose. The bartender goes over to the bum who is still cranking away and says "Hey! Do you know your monkey is screwing my god damn ear!" The bum replies "No, but if you'll hum a few bars..." A man goes to work on a remote island in the middle of the pacific, and he has a walk about to find a bar. He goes in and he notices that there are no women about. He says to the barman "I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?" The barman replies "There never has been any women on this island and there never will be!, but there's Roger out the back if you want." The man says, "No sorry, mate. I'm not that way inclined" Six months pass and he goes in for a beer a again, and he says to the barman, "I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?" The barman replies, "There never has been any women on this island and there never will be!, but there's Roger out the back if you want." The man thinks about it for a while and says "no sorry mate i'm not that way inclined" After a year the bloke is absolutely gagging for a shag and he goes down to the local and He says to the barman "I'll have a beer please, and by the way where are all the women?" The barman replies, "There never has been any women on this island and there never will be!, but there's Roger out the back if you want." The bloke says to him "If I go out the back with roger how many people will find out?" The barman says "seven." He replies "SEVEN?? How the fuck do you work that out!" He says "Well there'd be me, you, roger and the four blokes holding him down cos he's not that way inclined either!"