Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5 So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar." A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple on it. The guys looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy takes a bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." He does and it tastes like tonic. He finishes the apple. A few minutes pass and the guy says, "Gimme a vodka and orange juice." The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the apple. Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the bartender, "You know, I could sure go for some pussy about now." The bartender nods, reaches below the bar and produces yet another apple. The guys says, "No way man." The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." He takes a bite and angrily spits out the apple. "Yuck!! That tastes like shit, man!!!" The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." The first mouse takes a swig of his beer and says, "I am a bad-ass mouse; I'm so tough that in my neighborhood we have these big mouse traps. I walk up to them, grab the cheese, catch the bar and press it up and down with one arm while I eat the cheese. I'm a bad ass mouse." The second mouse takes a couple swigs of his beer and says, "Thats nothin'. In my heighborhood we have that rat poisin shit, and I grab it and eat, throw it in my water, gargle it. It ain't nothin. I am a bad ass mouse." The third mouse slams his beer, gets up and starts walking away. The other two look at him and say, "Where are you going?" The third mouse looks at the other two and says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat." A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another piss drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool. Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man. After finally finding his house, the mancarries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home." The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question... Where's his wheelchair?" A man sitting at the bar announces, "If anyone can drink 20 pints of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I'll give you a hundred dollars." The bartender pours the 20 pints and lines them up at the bar. The man sitting next to him gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his challenge. The man who left, returns to the bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks where he went. "Well, I had to go to the bar next door and make sure I could do it first" This guy walks into a bar (not knowing it was a bar for gays) and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "First you have to tell me the name of your penis." The guy says, "what?" The bartender repeated, "tell me the name of your penis and I'll fix you a drink." The guy said to the bartender, "tell me the name of your penis, and I'll tell you mine." The bartender said, "Chevy-hard as a rock." The guy said, "Ok...my penis' name is 'Secret'. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." Two penguins walk into a bar. One falls down. Ouch. Angus McClod walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to go down to the basement and deplete his supply of the rare and expensive liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that his customer won't be able to tell the difference. Angus downs the Scotch and says: "My good man, that Scotch is only ten years old. I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch." Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The customer drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch." So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the customer a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again Angus states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch. The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. Angus downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate. An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own: "I bet you think you're real smart," slurs the drunk. "Here, take a swig of this." Rising to the challenge, Angus takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God!" Angus exclaims. "That tastes like piss!" "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?" A group of fellows were out drinking one night, when one poor slob, grievously overserved, passes out. His pals are laughing at his immoderation, and one even peels the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the poor chap's forehead. An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and thinks..."OH MAN!..I better get home NOW!" He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror. "Oh DAMN!" he says, as he pulls over. The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir...have you been drinking?" "Well, I had one or two," comes the slurred reply. Disgusted, the cop says "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser label on your FACE?" The fellow looks at himself in the mirror..."Oh NO!" he mutters," Those BASTARDS!" His mind racing, he suddenly smiles, looks at the cop and says, "Oh THIS? Well, you see, I am trying to quit drinking, and my doctor gave me this PATCH!" This guy walks into a bar in a hotel and has a couple drinks. After explaining to the bartender that he has no where else to go the female bartender said that she'd let him stay at the hotel for free if he promised not to harm the clothes she had hanging up in her room. The next morning she awakes angrily to find that her clothes were ripped and thrown on the floor, but when the man asked to stay another night she kindly offered the same room on the condition that he wouldn't shave her cat that slept in that room. She awoke the next morning to find her cat completely shaved, but like the day before she once again offered the room to the homeless man if he told her that he would not paint the donkey she kept outside the hotel red. When she awoke to the following morning to find that her donkey was painted red she ran to the police station. When someone asked to help her she said "A man walked into my hotel, ripped my clothes off, shaved my pussy, and slapped my ass red." A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out. Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy "Excuse me, but I noticed that everytime you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket." The guys slurs "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good." A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass." (pangloss) A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say, "Wow! You look GREAT tonight!" The man looks over at the bartender who didn't say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again! "That's an awesome shirt! You are amazing!" He looks around and he's the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, "Was the voice saying bad things or good things?" And the man replies, "Good things, why?" And the bartender says, "It must have been the complimentary nuts." A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!" The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks. The bartender says "That'll be £37.50." The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!" This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too" The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks. The bartender says, "That'll be £42,50." The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!" This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?" The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!" A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court." The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little mad." "Such as?" asks the patron. "Do you ever go down on her?" The patron replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!" "I'd get over it if I were you." replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing." "I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!" Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response in incredible! Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle. "I don't know how you beat me in here," he says "but be quick! I've got an emergency!" "Shut up you damn drunk." she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!" This white guy walks into a bar and he starts talking with a black guy who is sitting next to him. After a couple of beers they decide to go take a pee together. As they are in the men's room, the white guy glances at the black's dick. "Gee, I really wish I had a dick like that," says the white guy. "Well", says the black, "all you have to do is hit your penis on the bath tab for ten minutes every morning, and you'll get it." The other guy thanks him for his advice and walks out of the bar. Some months later they meet again in the same bar, and they start talking. "Well", says the black man, "did you take the advice?" "I did," says the other guy. "So, let me see." The white guy lowers his pants and shows him his penis. "Ha!" says the black guy, "at least you made the color like mine!!" A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is staring at the horse, when the horse says, "Hey buddy? What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, it's not that... it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place." A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!" The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!" The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!" So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart... and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?" The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor." A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risqué." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch--a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him £300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for £300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist." An Indian walks into a bar with a bag in one hand and a cat in the other. He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey, throws the bag in the corner, pulls out his gun and shoots the bag, causing shit to fly out of the bag. He then starts to eat the cat, slamming the whiskey afterwards. The dumbfounded bartender asks "What the hell are you doing?!" The Indian replies "Me want to be like white man--drink whiskey eat pussy and shoot the shit." This drunk staggers into a bar, bumping into customers and spilling drinks as he makes his way to the bar. The bartender sees what is going on and is pissed at the drunk when he finally makes it to the bar. "Get out of here!" says the bartender. "I gotta go to the baffroom," slurs the drunk. "I said get the hell outta here or I'll throw you out!!" yells the bartender. "I gotta go baffroom," says the drunk and starts to drop his drawers. "Hold on, hold on" says the bartender "alright, you can go to the bathroom, but afterwards you get the hell out of my bar!" The drunk agrees and stumbles off to the bathroom. After about 5 minutes, everyone hears this loud scream. Dead silence in the bar. Another loud scream-from the bathroom. The bartender and a few customers run to the bathroom. There's the drunk sitting down. "What the hell is going on?" asks the bartender. "I went, and every time I try to flush the toilet, it crushes my nuts!" says the drunk. "Why, you stupid shit!" said the bartender. "You're sitting on my mop bucket!!" This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey. "Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..." He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "AH built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No." "But ye fuck ONE sheep...." A guy walks into a bar and tells everyone there "Give me all your money, watches, jewelry and anything else of value or I will inject you with the AIDS virus." Then he produces a syringe. One by one everyone hands over all their stuff except one man at the end of the bar. "I told you to hand over all your stuff or I'll inject you with the AIDS virus." The man at the bar said "Go ahead, I'm wearing a condom." Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, "You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I'll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd." He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window. "Wow, that was cool, I'm gonna do it!" says Greg. Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says to him, "Superman, you shouldn't mess with people's minds like that." 4 gay guys walk into a bar there is only one stool. What do they do? They turn it over. This fag walks into a bar and sits down at the counter and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says "We don't serve your kind in here. Get the hell out." The fag says "It's hotter than hell outside and I could really use a cold beer. I'll just sit over in the corner and not bother anyone if you'll just get me one beer." The bartender says "No, I told you we don't serve your kind in here so get the hell out now." The fag says "How bout if I take a drink out of this spitoon will you give me a drink?" "NO, get out before I call the cops." says the bartender. The fag picks up the spitoon and starts drinking out of it. "That's disgusting put that shit down and get the hell out of here!" the bartender says. The fag keeps on drinking. "STOP!!" yells the bartender. "You're grossing out my customers!" The fag still keeps on drinking. "FINE, FINE!! Here's your fucking beer, just put that shit down!" The fag is still drinking. Finally the fag puts the spitoon down. The bartender says "Why in the hell did you keep drinking out of that spitoon? I gave you you're damn beer." The fag replies "I couldn't stop, it was all one wad!" This cowboy walks into the saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and the cowboy downs it in one gulp. Immediately he rushes back out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there. He then goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. The bartender slides it along the bar and once again the cowboy downs it in one gulp then rushes out the bar, goes to his horse, lifts its tail, and gives it a huge smacking kiss there. He goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. By this time there are a number of other patrons looking at him with a fair bit of interest. The bartender decides he'd better ask what's going on before the cowboy gets too drunk to answer. "So, Cowboy, why is it that every time you order a whiskey you go out and kiss your horse on the bum?" The Cowboy (in his best drawl) replies "Chapped lips." The bartender says with some surprise "Oh, does that cure them?" The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure stops me lickin' 'em". A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender snarls, "What'll you have?" The duck says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have grapes here, we serve drinks, now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out. The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, infuriated, pounds his fist on the bar and yells at the duck, "I told you two times we don't serve grapes here, we serve drinks! If you ask me that ONE MORE TIME I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that, the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool and waddled out. The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked, "Got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said no. The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any grapes?" A guy walks into a bar. His buddy laughs and says, "Don't worry, I didn't see it either." So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . . A guy walks into a bar, right? Which is really kind of stupid, cause you'd think that he would have seen it first. An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT!, right in the face and runs back to the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun is ugly!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his pecker off!" he shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have peckers." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't." says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBLT." A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar he thinks the bathroom is upstairs so he goes upstairs he can't find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says "Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan?" A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve you here unless you are wearing a tie." The man says, "Okay, I'll be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "How's this?" The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything." A man, a duck, and OJ walk into a bar. A person in the bar says, "Oh, look, a man," and everyone in the bar says some prayer. The next person in the bar says "Duck," and everyone in the bar ducks. Finally, a third man says, "Oh, looky there. A killer in a black suit." OJ says to the man, "Only on weekends." A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling. A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining "The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere." A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah," said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax." A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?" The fish croaks "water." A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: "Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!" The horse then says: "What? 'Eric?'" Two homeless guys pull all there money together and they still don't have enough to buy a drink. Homeless #1 says "Lets go buy a hot dog." Homeless #2 says "How is that going to get us something to drink?" Homeless #1 says "Well we buy the hot dog, throw away the bun, I'll take the dog and put it down my pants, we go to a bar, order some drinks, drink them fast and when the bartender askes for the money, I'll pull down my zipper, you drop to your knees and act like your blowing me, and then the bartender will throw us out for being faggots." Homeless #2 thinks about it and said OK. The two go to a bar, order 2 double Jack and cokes and gulp them down real fast. When the bartender says that will be £10.50, homeless #1 unzips his pants and pulls out the hot dog and homeless #2 drops to his knees and starts sucking on it. The bartender jumps over the bar and kicks the two of them out. The two were happy about this and decided to go to other bars. Well, they hit 9 bars and finally Homeless #2 says "Man we're going to have to change or do something else because my knees are hurting from jumping down all the time." Homeless #1 says "Well you think that bad, I lost the hot dog after the 3rd bar." A guy walks into a bar with a ferret on his shoulder, puts it on the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender sees the ferret and says, "Hey buddy, what's with the ferret?" The guy says "I tell ya what pal, this ferret gives the best blowjob on the planet…' The bartender looks at him and says "Get the fuck outta here and take your rat with you!" The guy says "take the ferret in the back and if your not satisfied, I'm outta here…" Ten minutes later the bartender comes out of the back room with the ferret, drops it on the bar and says "DAMN, that was the best blowjob I've ever had, I'll give you £500 for it." The guy goes "Sorry pal, it's not for sale." The bartender says "I'll go as high as £2000." "SOLD", the guy yells, and walks out of the bar. The bartender quickly closes up, grabs the ferret and heads home. When he opens the door to his house, his wife is standing in the kitchen, she says "what the hell is that?" He passes the ferret to his wife and says "Teach it to cook and get the fuck out!" A guy walks into a bar and says "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a cow's balls." A gay guy in the corner goes "MOOOOOOO!" A guy walks into a bar. The guy behind him ducks. Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin' about them. First one says "My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker." The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says "My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker" The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges. Third one says "My dog is called iron worker" he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. "Now," he says "I'll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door." A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave. Barman says "you can't leave that lying there." Man says "it's not a lion it's a giraffe." One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "Well, we got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers first." This homeless guy walks into a bar and says, "Gimme whiskey." The bartender says, "I'll have to see your money first." "I'm broke, sonny, but if you give me a bottle of whiskey, I'll get up on that stage and fart dixie!" The bartender had never seen someone fart any kind of song, so he agrees. The homeless guy drinks the whole bottle of whiskey, then staggers up on stage and the audience starts applauding. Then he drops his pants and the audience starts cheering even louder. Then, he proceeds to shit all over the stage, and everyone gets disgusted and leaves. The bartender screams, "You said you were gonna fart dixie! Not shit all over my stage!" The guy replies, "Hey! Even Bob Dylan has to clear his throat before he sings!" This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender. "Sure.", says the bartender. As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the Q-ball. "What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed. When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. "Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my Q-ball." "Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's £20 and after the monkey passes the Q-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?" The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the Q-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" "He isn't going to eat the Q-ball is he?", asked the bartender. "No he's over that.", explained the guy. Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut. "What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner. The guy comes out of the bathroom. "Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act. "Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the Q-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits." Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out." Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose." Grandad and grandson go bar hopping. The grandad orders a whiskey, takes a swig, then puts it down. Grandson goes, "Hey grandad, can I get somma that?" Grandad goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?" Grandson goes, "Nope." Grandad goes, "Well there's your answer." After a little while of drinking, grandad pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up. Granson goes, "Hey grandad, can I get one of those?" Grandad goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?" Grandson goes, "Nope." Grandad goes, "Well there's your answer." So after a little while they get tired and pack up to go home. On the way home they stop at a little store, and each buys a lottery ticket. The grandad scratches his and wins nothing. The grandson scratches his and wins £5,000. Grandad goes, "Hey grandson, can I get somma that?" Grandson goes, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?" Grandad goes, "Sure does." Grandson goes, "Well good, take it and go fuck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin none of this." A man walks into a bar with an alligator on his shoulder. He throws the alligator on the bar and orders a beer. The bartender ask why he has the alligator-the man replies that the alligator can do tricks. The bartender as what he can do. The man pulls out a little hammer from his pocket and hits the alligator on the head-the alligator opens his mouth real wide-the man takes out his penis and puts it in the alligators mouth-the man then hits the alligator on the head with the hammer and the alligator closes his mouth but stops just short of biting his penis. The man hits the alligator on the head again and he opens his mouth. He removes his penis. The man says-I bet there isn't another person in this room brave enough to do that. A gay man stands up in the back of the room and replies-I will! I will! If you don't hit me so hard in the head with that hammer. A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says "That's OK I just want a drink." Two guys walk into a bar look over and see a guy that looks just like Hitler. They decide that they had better inform the man of this before he goes out and gets beat up. The first man says, "Excuse me sir, but we just thought that we'd let you know that you look just like Hitler, and you better be careful where you walk." The man looks up and says "Oh, that's because I AM Hitler." The two men look at each other, and the second man asks "Did you just say that you are Hitler?" The man sitting down says, "Yes, that is what I said. You see, I've been hiding out in Bolivia and reassembling my army to take over the world. First we're going to kill all the Jews, then we're going to kill all the baseball players." Again the two men look puzzled at eachother, then ask "Why are you going to kill the baseball players?" The man sitting down then exclaims "See, I told you nobody cared about the Jews!!!!!!!!" One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!" This fly goes into a bar one day, and orders a drink. The customer next to him looks at him and says to the bartender, "What's with him?" The bartender says, "Oh, he works in the restaurant down the street." The man said to the fly, "Works there, but what line of work do you do?" The fly sighs, "The waiters always put me in bowls of soup, and it's tough on my health." The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin." A guy and his wife walk into a bar together. The husband says "I am going to go play pool for a while." And so the wife stays seated at the bar. He then ventures to a back room. While his wife sits alone, a guy walks up to her and says" ya know, I couldn't help but look and you have got some nice legs" The lady smiles but says " I am happily married" So politely, the guy leaves. But he came back 2 minutes later and said" ya know, i would love to just feel your breasts for 1 minute." Sorta angry the woman says "I told you I was married" and the guy leaves, only to come back 2 minutes later. This time he says, "ya know, I would love to fill your pussy full of beer and tip you upside down, and drink it all." The woman was not very happy. She went into the back room to tell her husband. She first said "this guy said he licked my legs" and the husband roles up the sleeve of his right arm. "Then he told me he would like to touch my breasts." Very angry the husband roles up his other sleeve. "Then he said he would love to fill my pussy full of beer and tip me upside down, and drink it all." The husband started pulling down his sleeves. The wife asks "What are you doing, aren't you going to do something?" The husband replied, "Honey, I learned a long time ago not to fuck with a man that could drink that much beer." A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a barstool next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." This guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer and a bowl of chili. The barkeep brings it over and sets it before him. Just that quick this little guy jumps off his shoulders drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili! The patron says "another beer and chili please." Barkeep brings him another round and chili, just that quick this little guy jumps down drinks his beer and takes a whizz in his chili, "another beer and chili." the patron says. "Hold on," says the barkeep, "I keep bringing you beer & chili, but that shrimp won't let you have your meal. What's the deal?" "I was walking down the beach came across this Genie bottle and he granted me three wishes," the patron says. "The first wish I wished for a nice mansion <poof> next I wished for lots of money <poof> and for my third wish , I wished for a twelve inch prick ..... and the son-of-a-bitch has been with me ever since!" A black guy and two irishmen worked together all their lives in construction. One day, the black guy fell off the scaffolding and died. The cops asked the two Irishmen if there was anything strange about him. The first one says, "No, not that I know of." The second Irishman says, "Yeah, he had two assholes." The cop then asked how they knew that. The Irishman says, "Whenever we go to the bar down the street for lunch, the bartender yells, 'here comes the nigger with the two assholes'" A guy walks into a bar and asks "who wants to play Bar Room Football?" The bartender asks "what is Bar Room Football?" The guy says "I'll show you." He takes a mug of beer and he says "to get a touchdown, you have to chug down the entire mug of beer at once" and he does it. He then says "to get the extra point, you then have to pull down your pants and fart," and he does it. He then says "does anyone want to play?" A gay fellow who was sitting in the corner says "I'd like to play" so the game begins. The guy chugs the beer then pulls down his pants and as he is about to fart, the gay pulls down his pants and rams his penis in the guy's ass and begins to shout "block that kick, block that kick" A small guy goes into a bar, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, "Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."