The Jokes Page


 
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A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" 

Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. speak up!" 

"May I please have a drink?" 

"What? You have to speak up!" 

"Could I please have a drink?" 

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." 

"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse." 





Three ladies are sitting at a bar. 

One says "my pussy is so big my husband can stick his fist up it." 

The second lady says "mine is so big my husband can stick BOTH fists up it!" 

The third lady just laughed and slid down the bar stool. 





These three hookers walk into a bar. 

The first one says "I had such a good night, I did business with 5 guys. Give me a long neck." She drank the beer and then shoved the empty bottle up her twat. 

The second one said "Yeah well that's nothing. I did business with 10 guys. 
Give me a bottle of Jim Beam." She finished the bottle of Jim Beam and Stuck 
that up her twat. 

The third one just smiled and slid down her barstool. 





A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. 

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head. 

The wife asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?" 

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them. 

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?" 

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself," the man replied. 

The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of 1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!" 

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room. 

After the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife if she minded if 
he asked her a few questions. "No, I don't mind," she replied. 

"How long have you been married?" 

She replied, "3 years." 

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" 

To which she responded, "31 years old." 

Then the genie asked, "So, how long has he believed in this genie stuff?" 





A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. 

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" 





This guy walks into a bar and sees this donut drinking a beer. So he walks up to her and says, "Hey, baby, what's your sign.." 

The donut looks at him with disgust and says "I'm a torus, you moron..." 





This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, 
your pants are down..." 





Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?" 





A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L." 

The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!" 

Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L." 

With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?" 

The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!" 

Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15." 

The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?" 

The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7." 





The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing 1000 bet. 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the 1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" 

The man replied, "I work for the IRS." 





This guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender, who's seen just about everything says, "what can I get you?" 

To which the duck replies "you can start by getting this guy off my ass." 





This guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender says, "hey, what's that?" 

To which the Frog replies "I don't know. It started as a wart on my ass and this happened." 





A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for 10000 for the duck and the pot. 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" 





This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. 

Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". 

The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" 

The drunk says, "Any girl that can lift her leg that high HAS to be a bellerina!" 





A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." 

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first." 





A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around. The bartender speaks up and says "Hey what the hell are you doing?" 

The blind man says"Just taking a look around.." 





A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears." 

The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me." 

The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her other arm too." 

The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears." 

So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off." 

But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a drink, or you're next." 

The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs." 

The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs." 

But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate." 





An obviously intoxicated gentleman staggers into a tavern and seats himself at the bar. After being served, he notices a woman sitting a few stools down. He motions the bartender over and says "Bartender, I'd like to buy that old douchebag down there a drink." 

Somewhat offended, the bartender replies "Sir, I run a respectable establishment, and I don't appreciate you calling my female customers douchbags." /P>

The man looked ashamed of himself and muttered "you're right, that was uncalled for...please allow me to buy the woman a cocktail." 

"That's better" said the bartender and he approached the woman. "Ma'am, the gentleman down the bar would like to buy you a drink... what would you like?" 

"How nice!" replied the woman, I'll have a vinegar and water. 





Three guys walk into a bar. One Italian, one Irish and a Black guy. 

They see a guy sitting at the end of the bar and the Black guy says "Hey isn't that Jesus sitting at the end of the bar?" 

The Irish guy says "It sure looks like him." 

The Italian says "Yeah, I think you guys are right. But he looks a little depressed, lets buy him a drink." 

So they hail the bartender and tell him to get Jesus a drink. 

Jesus accepts the drink and finishes it down and then walks over to the guys to thank them. He walks over to the Italian guy first and says "Thank you my son" and touches the back of the Italian guys head. 

The Italian says "Hey it's gone. I can see clearly now! Thank You Jesus!" The italian guy proceeds to takes off his glasses. 

Jesus then walks up to the Irish guy and touches him on the shoulder and says "Thank you my son." 

The Irish guy says "Wow, I can move again. My arthritis is gone! Thank you Jesus!" and the Irish guys jumps for joy. 

Jesus then goes over to the black guy to thank him. Jesus says "Thank you my son." 

The black guy jumps back and says "Wait a minute, don't even think about touching me Jesus I'm on compensation!" 





A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender. 

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal. 





A white guy named Joe falls madly in love with this bartender named Wendy, so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. She breaks up with him, though, and he's so devastated that he goes away on a Caribbean singles cruise to try to get her off his mind. He drinks away his troubles at the bar on the cruise ship, and one night drinks so many beers his bladder is about to explode. So he goes into the bathroom and takes the urinal right next to this muscular black man. Joe takes a glance at the guy's penis and sees the word "WENDY" tattooed on it. He says, "Hey, you knew Wendy too?" 

The black guy turns to him and says, "No, mon, when I get hard it says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A NICE DAY." 





A guy comes into a bar and sees two women coming out of the bathroom. One sits at one end and the other sits at the other end. One looks really good and the other one is average. He thinks to himself, "there is no way I can get with the really hot one, so I'll talk to the average one and maybe work my way up to the really hot one." 

So he starts conversation with the one woman and they having a nice conversation. The she asks him, "Do you like my friend over there?" pointing to the woman at the other end of the bar. 

The guy says, "Well, uh, uh, yea, I guess I like her." 

So she asks, "Do you think she's pretty?" 

The guy says, "Well uh, yea, she's pretty." 

She then asks, "Do you wanna smell her pussy?" 

The guy tentatively responds, "Uh, Uh, well, sure, yea, yea." 

The woman smiles and puts her mouth to his nose and breathes out, HUUUH! 





A gay guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Is this a gay bar?" 

"No." replies the bartender. 

"O.K. I'll just take a glass of water and sit in the corner." 

While the gay guy is drinking his water, a cowboy comes in and says. "Man, I'm so thirsty, I could drink the sweat off of a cow's balls." 

So the gay walks right in front of the cowboy, drops his pants, and says with a smile on his face,"Moo moo buckaroo!" 





A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wiseass. The wiseass walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" 

The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?" 

"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wiseass. 

"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny. 

The wiseass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!" 

"Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wiseass if he could try the little joke. 

"Be my guest," replies Mr. Smartypants. So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining." 





A guy opens a bar, but he has no name for it. One day he sees this girl named Suzy, and he thinks she has nice legs. So he names the bar "Suzy's Legs". The next day, before opening hours, 3 guys are sitting outside of the bar. A cop walks up to them, and says "What are you doing?" 

And one guy turns and says, "We're waiting for Suzy's Legs to open so we can go in and get a bite to eat." 





This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish whiskey. He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots in one glass for you." 

The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both in Ireland now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together." 

The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested. 

This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the month and finally feels it necessary to ask. 

"Is everything all right?" the bartender asked. 

"What do you mean?" replied the gentleman. 

"Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three drinks. Now you've only ordered two. Something didn't happen to one of your brothers, did it?" 

"No," the gentleman replied. "They are okay. It's just that I quit drinking." 





A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a roll of paper towels". 

A skeleton walks into a bar: "I want a beer and a mop". 





99 guys walk into a bar the 100th ducked 





A giraffe walks into a bar. Bartender asks "what can I get you." 

The giraffe says "Get me a beer. I all ready had two hi-balls." 





A guy walks into a bar with a little yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm. 

"That's one ugly dog," says another patron while petting his Doberman. 

"Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little SOB." 

"That so" says the other patron, "bet 20 my dog will kick his ass in less than two minutes" 

The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each gives the command to attack. In the twinkling of an eye the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman's owner is crying and cussing, and screams "What kind of damn dog is this?" 

"Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator." 





A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey - that's neat - where did you get him?" 

The parrot responds "In Africa - there's millions of 'em." 





A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be 25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" 

The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at those prices" 





There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?" 

The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor." 

The Chinese says, "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." 

The Jew says, "well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me." 

The Chinese says "Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking. 

About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, "What the hell was that for?" 

The Chinese says "That was for the Titanic." 

The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg." 

The Chinese says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me." 





A man walked into a bar and met a very attractive young woman. He bought her a couple of drinks and things were going great. He went into the men's room to take a leak and a man approached and said: "You know that..uh...lady you're with?...She's got one twice as big as that little skimpy wiener of yours!" 

Our man wasn't sure if this was a line of crap or really true. After all he had seen some incredibly good-looking "he-shes" on Geraldo. Far from being upset, however, between his latent tendencies and the alchohol in his system he was intrigued and turned on by the possibility he was actually with a man. He became more and more obsessed with a desire to find out, and was pleased when "she" agreed to a ride in his car when the bar closed. Shortly after they took off "she" said, "We need to pull over, I need a restroom stop." 

"Me too!" he said, "This beer is going right through me." She suggested a deserted road up ahead that was heavily wooded and dark where they would not be bothered. He eagerly agreed and each took off behind a tree. His curiosity became more and more compelling, so after relieving himself he snuck up behind her. Lo and behold! In the dim light he could faintly see the outline of 2" in diameter x 10" in length hanging down between her legs!! At this point he was totally overcome with lust and could not contain himself. He snuck up behind her and suddenly grabbed hold as hard as he could!! 

"Oh!! I didn't know you were back there!!" she said. 

"Oh dear!" he said, " I didn't know you were doing number two!!" 





A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in. 

"Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!" 

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion. 

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night. 

Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined, an ex-mouse (and no, it wasn't Ex-Mouse Eve ). 

The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?" 

The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!" 

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion. 

"Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!" 





A Chinese man walks into a bar and seats himself in front of the Afro-American Bartender. "Get me a jigger, Nigger!" he says. The = bartender asks him to repeat the request which he does. 

The bartender says, "You know, Man, I understand that in this position, dealing with drunks and all, I can expect a certain amount of flak, but, hey, I think you're over the line, Man. Tell you what, let's trade places. Here put this apron on and get back here." 

The Chinese dons the bartending apron and goes behind the counter. "Get me a drink, Chink!" says the Afro-American. 

"Ah! So velly solly....can't serve nigger!" 





A man walks into a bar one afternoon and says to the manager, "I see your sign 'Piano player needed,' and I want you to know I'm your man. I packed them in down there at the Cadillac Club until the IRS shut the place down. Not only that, I write ALL my own material so you won't ever have to worry about paying royalties to ASCAP or BMI." 

"You see the piano." said the manager, "Play me a tune." The piano player rocked out with a boogie-woogie that had the manager stomping his feet. "That was great," he said, "What do you call it?" 

"I call it 'Let me Fuck you in the Ass Until your Hemorrhoids Bleed!'" said the pianist. 

"Well," said the manager, "uh....that certainly is an unusual name for a song. Let's hear another one." 

The piano player played a haunting melody that brought tears to the manager's eyes it was so beautiful. "What do you call that tune?" said the manager. 

"I call it 'Open your Mouth Wide and Swallow it ALL When I Come.'" said the pianist. The manager replied, "Your playing is great, and I'd like to hire you, but would you be terribly offended if I asked you not to announce the titles to your compositions?" 

"Not at all," replied the pianist, "You pay, I'll play." 

That evening, the crowd went wild when the piano player did his first set. When they finally let him take a break, he rushed to the john for a long overdue piss. On the way out, one of the patrons button-holed him and said, "Wow! you play great!! But tell me, do you know your fly's open and your penis is hanging out?" 

"Know it? HELL...I wrote it!" 





A gay man was traveling through Wyoming when he walked into a bar in a little cowboy town one afternoon and was surprised to find it deserted. "Where ith everybody?" he lisped. 

"Down at the hanging at the town square." was the bartender's reply. 

"Oooh...I've never seen a hanging," said the gay man, "How do I get there?" The bartender gave him directions, and, an hour later, the gay man returned---rather shaken. "What did that poor boy do to deserve such a fate?" he asked. 

"He was a fucking fag." replied the bartender. 

The gay man drew himself up, "NO SHIT!!!" he said in a deep booming voice. 





A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender if he had ever heard of a wild neighborhood character named "Eldorado." 

"Certainly," said the bartender. "Last Wednesday he came by at noon drunk out of his mind. He had a loaded revolver and he made me drop my drawers down to my ankles. Next he made me squat down and shit on the floor. Then he made me scoop it up with my hands, and THEN... he made me eat it! But after I was through eating my own shit, his attention lapsed and I was able to get the gun away from him. I made HIM drop his drawers, I made HIM shit on the floor, and, finally, I made HIM scoop it up and eat it. So....you ask me 'Do I know Eldorado?' Hell! I had lunch with him just last week!" from Don Lewis from Austin Texas 





A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. 

"No." was the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. 

"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. 

"That's not my dog." was the answer. 





A drunken Irish guy walks into a bar and puts his money down and orders a bourbon. Several minutes go by and suddenly the drunken Irish guy leans over and tells the bartender "hey, theres a gorilla at the other end of the bar." The bartender replies "that's my pet gorilla, Mable." 

"I never knew anybody who had a gorilla for a pet" replied the Irish guy. 

The bartender then tells the customer "watch this" and calls out "Mable, get over here." Mable comes over to the bartender and while standing in front of the bartender, the bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a hammer, hits Mable in the head with it. Mable drops to her knees, pulls down the bartenders zipper, takes out his penis and starts sucking it. 

The drunken Irish guy is in total shock and exclaims "I never saw anything like that before." 

The bartender then tells the Irishman "You want one." 

The Irishman tells the bartender "Ok, but don't hit me in the hard so hard." 





Two guys walk into a bar and are scamming for two legged females. 

The first guy says, "Hey check out the blond over there. I bet she's really hot in bed!" He procedes to go over and makes small talk with her. Before long they both leave for a one nighter. 

The next day, the two guys meet up and are again scamming for anything that breathes. The second guy goes over to the same blond, pinches her in the rear and were off for a quickie. Fifteen minutes later, the second guy comes back and compares notes with the first guy. 

The first guy says, "I think my wife is better." 

The second guys nods his head and says, "Yeh, your wife is better!" 





A guy walks into a bar and sees a large old dusty horse in the back corner with a large bucket of money next to it. The guy strolls up to the bar and asks the bartender what is the deal with the horse and the bucket. "You go back there, put a dollar in the bucket, tell the horse a joke and try to make it laugh. As yo can by the full bucket, no one can make it laugh" replies the bartender. 

"Ok" says the man, and he goes back, puts his dollar in the bucket, leans over to the horse and whispers in it's ear. Well the man hasn't even straightened up the horse just laughing! the man picks up the bucket and proceeds to walk out of the bar, all the while the horse just can't contol itsef from laughter. 

2 weeks pass and the same man comes back to the same bar and sees the same horse in the back corner, still with a smile on its face and again a large bucket of money next to it. The man asks the bartender "what, no one else has made the horse laugh??" 

The bartender replies "Are you kidding? We can't get the horse to stop! The new prize goes to anyone that can make the horse stop laughing." 

"Great" says the man, and he walks over towards the horse. The horse, seeing the man coming, starts to chuckle and snicker out loud, trying to again contain itt's laughter. The man gets himself infront of the horse in a way that no one in the bar can see him, and the horse just looks saddend and just starts crying. The man again picks up the bucket and starts to head out of the bar. 

"Wait a minute" yells the bartender. "First we couldn't get the horse to laugh, then we couldn't get it to stop! What did you tell that horse?!" 

"It was simple" said the man, "2 weeks ago I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him, and today I showed him!" 





A regular walks into his bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting up his usual, and our man, Dave, says "No, no - just a glass of milk." 

Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has goten into him? Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me cominghome late & drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue ..." 

"Hey - no problem!" The bartender says, as he starts setting Dave up again. 

"Do you have any big bills on you?" 

"Well, sure - just got paid." 

"OK," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home & she bitches, show her a 50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!" 

What a great idea, Dave thinks, & starts knocking them back. 

Later that night, when Dave gets home late, drunk, and having thrown up on himself, the wife meets him at the door screaming: "Damnit Dave - I've told you! That's it ... !" 

"Wait! Wait! It's not me! Some drunk threw up on ME and gave me this 50 bill to pay for my shirt!" 

She yanks the money out of his hand. "Dave, this is a 100 bill." 

"Well," Dave replies, "that same drunk shit my pants as well." 





A man's head without a body comes floating into a bar and orders a drink. He sort of slirps the drink down, and all of his torso appears. He orders another drink, slirps that one down, and suddenly he has leg. "This is great," he says to the bartentender, "give me another drink. Let's get my arms back." The bartender pours him another, he slirps it down, and suddenly he disappears altogether. 

The guy sitting next to where he was says to the bartender, "He should have quit while he was a head." 





A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. 

The bartender promptly serves up a beer. 

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron. 

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge" 





A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife." 

"But what about the smell?" Someone asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." 





A man with a big smile on his face walks into a bar. 

The bartender asks "What'll ya have?" 

"Gimme 12 shots of rum, 5 tequilas and a cup of coffee!" 

The bartender begins serving the man. The man gulps them down as fast as he can make them, and lights a cigarette. 

"So what's the occasion?" asks the bartender. 

"Just had my first blow-job". 

"Really, How was it?" 

"Not too bad but I can still taste it!" 





On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. 

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" 

"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." 

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman." 





A young man walks into a bar and notices two lovley young blond women sitting down. He approaches the bartender and asks: "Excuse me could I'd like to buy those two ladies a couple of drinks." 

But the bartender gives him a funny look and answers, "I'm not so sure that is a good idea. You see they're lesbians." 

"Sorry Mr. Bartender, but I don't know what you're talking about." 

And the bartender responded, "Why don't you go over there and ask them?" 

So the young man walked over to the women and asked, "I hear you are lesbians, what does that mean?" 

And one answered politely, "we'll we like to kiss, suck each others tits...." 

And the young man yells to the bartender, "Hey get us three drinks here for us lesbians!" 





A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has 100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks "what's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside". 

The dog answers "ROOF". 

The bartender says "who are you kidding, I'm not paying". 

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". 

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks "who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". 

The dog answers "Roof". 

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. 

As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?". 





Vampire #1: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary. 

Vampire #2: Walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Bloody Mary. 

Vampire #3: Walks into the bar. 

bartender: Says, "Let me guess, you want a Bloody Mary" 

Vampire #3: Replies, "No, just give me a cup of hot water." He then pulls out a bloody tampon and says, "I'm having tea today!" 





Two cannibals walk into a bar and sits beside this clown. The first cannibal wacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second clown looks up and says, "Hey, do you taste something funny?" 





This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the bartender finally opens the door. bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The bartender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bartender got so frustrated that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away. 

A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?" 





This depressed man walks into a bar and starts talking to the bartender. The man says, "I just found out today that my older brother is gay!" 

The bartender replies, "Gee that's terrible. I'll give you a drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out. 

The next day, the same man walks into the bar again looking even more depressed. The bartender starts talking to him again. The man replies, "I just found out today that my younger brother is gay!" 

The bartender replies, "Gee that's awful. I'll give you another drink on the house." The man drinks the drink and then walks out. The following day, the same man crawls into the bar in a really bad shape. The bartender asks, "My God man, what happened to you?" 

The man replies, "I just found out that my dad is gay!" The bartender replies, "Doesn't anybody in your family like pussy?" The man thinks for a little while and then says, "Yeh, my sister!" 





A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "You know, we have a drink named after you here." 

The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?" 





Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" 

Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes. 





A gay guy walks into a bar with a small paper bag and says "the guy that can tell me what's in this bag can go home with me tonight." 

An big mean oversized biker turns and says "there is a 20 ton pink polka dotted elephant in your bag". 

The room erupts with laughter. 

The gay guy opens the bag, peeks in and says "I think we have a winner". 





A man walked in to a bar and said to the bartender that he had a bad day at work and wanted 1 shot of everything he had in the bar. The bartender poured 1 shot of everything in to a glass and the man drank it down and staggered out. 

The next day the man came back in and the bartender said it looks like you had another bad day at work, and the man said no way. He said i went home last night and was blowing chunks all night. the bartender said oh you got a little sick? The man said, no chunks is my dog. 





So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door. 

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven't been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him the definition: 

PROSTITUTE (pros'ti toot)
n. A woman who performs services for money.
The koala bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition:
KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare)
n. A furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in here!" The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here." The bartender says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it." The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this." The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bag-pipes. The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win." The guy says, "just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll play it." A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here." A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?" A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor." Baby seal walks into a club...fucking tragedy. A horse walks into the bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" I guy walks into a bar, "Ouch!" he said. A gay man walks into a bar and says to someone at the bar, "May I push in your stool?" Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted. A guy walks into a bar with a huge gorilla. The bartender asks him what the deal is and the man says that the gorilla has been specially trained so that when he hits the animal in the jaw, he gives him a blow job. The bartender doesn't believe it so the man pulls his arm back and punches the gorilla in the face. The gorilla gets up, brushes himself off, and gives the man a BJ. He has to perform the whole trick again for the barkeep, who still doesn't believe it. The man finally asks the bartender if he wants to try it. "Sure," he says, "just don't hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla." Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite." A man with an alligator walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "do you serve IRS agents here?" "Yes," he said. "Good, give me a beer, and my gator'll have an IRS agent!"

Things People Make

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose," the drunk replied. A chick went into a bar wearing such a tight pair of pants that the lounge lizard watching her asked her, "Honey, how do you get into your pants?" She smiled and said, "you can start by ordering me a drink!" A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. "Get that pig out of here!" yelled the bartender. "That's not a pig, stupid!" she replied, "That's a duck!" "I know!" said the bartender, "I was talking to the duck!" A man walked into a bar carrying an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife." "But what about the smell?" someone asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." Two guys walk into a bar. "This is a great bar," said the first. "For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one, and the pinball machines in back are free." >"That's nothing," responded the second. "There's a bar across town that matches you drink for drink, and you can get laid in back for free." "Where's this place?" asked the first. "Oh, I don't know," the second one replied, "but your wife goes there all the time, ask her." A huge half-drunk thug walks into a bar and shouts, "you all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers." Suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar. "where are you going, squirt?" The big man asked. "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!" A cowboy tied his horse to a hitching post and went into a bar for a drink. When he returned, his horse's nose had been painted green. He stormed back into the bar asking who had done this to his horse. "I did", a huge mean-looking cowboy said. "Well," gulped the first, "I came to tell you that the first coat is dry." A lonely reporter, sent out west to cover the goldrush, walked into a small town bar. He asked one of the local prospectors seated at the bar what they did for female companionship. "Fuck sheep", the fellow replied. After verifying that the few local saloon girls were indeed so ugly that sheep looked good, he resolved to remain celibate. But after several months he broke down and went out and cornered a nice sheep and took it to his hotel room to wine and bed it. The next day when he took his 4-legged concubine to the bar for a drink, everybody stared at him like he was crazy. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" he shouted, "You've been fucking sheep for years, and now that I have gone as low as you, you all stare at me like I'm a crazy pervert!" A cowboy in the back of the room then spoke up, "But tenderfoot, that's the sheriff's gal!" A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, who's none too friendly, hands him the drink. The guy downs it in a single swallow and slams the glass down on the counter. Then he slides it off to the end of the bar. "That'll be two bucks," grunts the bartender. "Hey," says the guy, "I'll bet you 100 I can piss in that glass and not spill a drop." The bartender chuckles figuring "hey, easy money." "Alright," he says. The man then unzips his fly and takes out his penis and begins to whiz. He goes crazy whizzing on the counter, on the bar stool, the floor, all over the furniture and even gets some on the bartender--everywhere but the glass. All this time, the bartender's laughing his head off because of how stupid it looks and that he's winning the bet. When the guy finally stops, pee all over the place, the bartender still can't stop laughing. "Aw, you dummy, you hit everything but the glass. You owe me 100 bucks." "Yes. You're right. Okay, give me a second." So the guy goes into the back and talks to two other guys and then comes back with 300. He slaps the 100 on the piss-soaked table. "There." Perplexed, the bartender asks "Who were those guys?" "Who? Them? Oh, I bet them 300 that I could piss on the bar, the floor, and you and not only would you not get mad, you'd enjoy it." A guy walks into a bar. A second guy walks into a bar. The third guy ducks. A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the bartender. "What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders a drink. "Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender. "No. I'm a frayed knot." Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay." After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in. Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!" A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. "Whew," the barkeep remarked, "you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents." This one requires some explanation so according to my friend E.D., it's funny because: The beverage that we know as "Scotch" is actually a blend of whiskeys from several distilleries. A single malt scotch is the product of one distillery only. Single malts from different distilleries exhibit different characteristics, depending on things like the type of malt used to make the mash, length of aging, the peat used to fire the fermenting kettles, that sort of thing. Unlike blended scotch, single malts are almost all aged a minimum of 12 years. Single malts from northern Scotland typically have a darker, smokier flavour than do ones from the south. Single malt afficionados rival die-hard oenophiles in their descriptions of the subtleties of a particular distillery's product. Single malt prices typically start at the price of a 12 year old blended scotch, i.e. 20 or less for 750ml, and go up from there. I would think that a 30 year old single malt would sell for at least 5-6 a shot in a bar, perhaps more like 10.
FYI
oenophile: A collector and/or connoiseur of wine.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive.' Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals." This MUSHROOM walks into this bar and sits down at the counter. He was about to order a drink when the bartender took one look at him and said: "Hey! Get out of here!! WE don't serve MUSHROOMS in this place!!" Stunned, the MUSHROOM exclaimed: "Awh C'mon I'm a Fun-gi!" A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none of my business, but what do have in the case?" Without saying a word, the man opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years. "Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with the case. "Where did you get him?" "I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to rest. The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would grant just one wish." "That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?" "Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word." "Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?" "Tell me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?" A guy walks into a bar........... He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john. he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'. after a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I. A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says; "I've been working on a top-secret project on molecular genetics for the past five years and I've just got to talk to someone about it." The bartender says; "Wait a minute. Before we talk about that, just answer me a few questions...When a deer defecates, why does it come out like little pellets?" The guy didn't know that. The bartender then asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands on the ground and looks like a coiled rope?" The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The bartender then says, "You don't know shit! and you want to talk about molecular genetics?" Four guys and the bartendar are in a bar. In walks a pretty lady. She goes up to the bartender and sez. "Gimme 6 martinis" The bartender pours her a martini and sets it infront of her She sez. I wanted 6 martinis!! He sez Drink that one then i'll give you another. The lady sez You misunderstand..i want 6 martinis NOW!! The bartender pours the rest of the martinis. The girl downs all 6 martinis..one right after the other. She stands at the bar..and passes out flat on her back..her dress having fallen up..exposing her panties. All the guys look at the lady laying there. The bartender sez..let's all fuck her.. she'll never know...so they all do. The lady finally comes to sits up..straightens her dress and leaves. one week later, the bartender looks up and sees the lady coming in again. he sez to her..I bet you want six martinis!! the lady replies...No..Martinis make my pussy hurt and swell... This guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of 100 bills and says to the bartender, whats that for. The bartender says put a 100 and i'll tell ya. so the guy does and the bartender says well 1st you hafta drink this whole bottle of whisky. Then you hafta go knock out the bouncer w/ 1punch then you must go downstairs and get a tooth from the bulldog. After that you go upstairs and screw the lesbian lady. So the drinks the whisky, knocks out the bouncer and then goes down for the tooth. Everyone hears a moaning sound and then the guy comes up and says, now where's that bitch w/ the loose tooth.