The Jokes Page


Bad chat up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
4. How do you like your eggs: poached,scrambled, or fertilized?
5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
6. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
8. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?
10. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you
or eat you!
11. Your parents must be retarded,because you are special.
12. Could I touch your belly button from the inside?
13. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open,
and I'll put my head in.
15.Sit on my face and I'll guess your weight.

Rejection Lines Given By Women 

(and what they actually mean...) 

I think of you as a brother. 
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 

There's a slight difference in our ages. 
(You are one Jurassic geezer.) 

I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. 
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 

My life is too complicated right now. 
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 

I've got a boyfriend 
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 

I don't date men where I work. 
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 

It's not you, it's me. 
(It's not me, it's you.) 

I'm concentrating on my career. 
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 

I'm celibate. 
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid of Blind Dates
(and other social catastrophes) 

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 

5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 

11. Order a bucket of lard. 

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. 

16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 

19. Drool. 

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. 

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" 

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. 

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. 

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening. 

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. 

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down. 

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 

35. Auction your date off for silverware. 

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. 

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. 

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. 

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 

41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense). 

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. 

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. 

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.> 

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. 

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. 

49. Accuse your date of espionage. 

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. 

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. 

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. 

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. 

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

Are you Jamaican? Coz j'makin me crazy!

Here's 10p, phone your mother and tell her your not coming home tonight.

Actually, I tend to make normal conversation rather than try to dazzle someone with a  
Kamikaze one-liner	

Always good for you to see me again	

Are you busy the rest of the month? 	

Are you free tonight or will it cost me?	

Are you going places or just being taken? 	

Are you interested in a hot slice of conversation?	

Are you looking for Mr Right, or Mr Right Now? 	

Are you OK? Because heaven's a long fall from here 	

Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers! 	

Are you smiling at me or do I have my contacts in wrong?	

Are you the most beautiful person here or is that just my opinion?	

Are you the one?	

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day 	

As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit 	

As she's leaving Hey aren't you forgetting something? She: What? Me! 	

As the sun illuminates the moon and the stars, so let us illuminate each other 	

Ask girl if she likes jewelry Then grab your nuts and say, "Then suck this, it's a gem!" 	

At the dinner table, if you eat together, pick up the bread and ask, "Wanna roll?" 	

Be different, say yes	

Beauty is only a light switch away 	
Bond, James Bond 	

Bring on the gin, we've just found the tonic	

Can I be your slave for tonight?	

Can I buy you a drink, or would you just like the money 	

Can I end a sentence with a proposition?	

Can I flirt with you? 	

Can I have directions? (To where?) To your heart! 	

Can I see your tan lines? 	

Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together? 	

Can you come out and play tonight?	

If beauty were a crime you'd be doing life	

Did I see you in a magazine?	

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? 	

Did you clean your pants with Windolene? I can practically see myself in them 	

Did you just smile, or was that the sun coming out? 	

Do I know you from somewhere - or is it just that you have your clothes on? 	
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after	

Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes 	

Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some? 	

Do you have room in you life for a new friend?	

Do you know how to use a whip? 	

Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job? No! Do'ya wanna do lunch? 	

Do you know what would look good on me? You	

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated? 	

Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do? 	

Do you want to hear a joke that'll make you laugh your tits off? Oh, you've  heard it	

Don't you know me from somewhere?	

Dump him 	

Excuse me but I'm doing a report on stamina Would you be interested in finding the true meaning of marathon?	

Excuse me for not getting up I broke my ankle falling off my polo pony	
Excuse me for staring, but I love the view	

Excuse me, are you ready to go home yet? 	

Excuse me, but could you give me directions to your heart?	

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!! 	

Excuse me, but I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home   together?	

Excuse me, do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past you again?	

Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face 	

Excuse me, I think it's time we met	

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No Well, then, allow me to introduce myself 

Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off? 	

Fine! And you?	

Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist 	

Go ahead, make a pass at me	

God must have been in a very good mood the day we met	
Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it? 	

He: You look like my third wife : She: Oh, how many time have you been married? : He: Twice 	

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart 	

Hello, my name is Sean Connery but you can call me tonight	

Here's your chance to get to know me	

Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile 	

Hey, here's the word for the day: legs Whatdya say we go upstairs and spread the word	

Hey, I just noticed you looking at me across the room I'll give a minute to catch your breath! 

Hey, I need your help! My mother says if I don't get a date this weekend, she's putting me up     for adoption	

Hi I only have 3 months to live	

Hi I suffer from amnesia Do I come here often? 	

Hi, can I buy you a car? 	

Hi, can I buy you several drinks?	

Hi, do you want to have my children? (Assuming the answer is 'no'), OK then, can we just practice? 	

Hi, I make more money than you can spend 	

Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples 	
Hi, I'm employed	

Hi, I'm interested, what's your name? 	

Hi, my friend wants to know your name	

Hi, my friend wants to know your name	

Hi, my name's coffee, cuz I'll keep you up all night! 	

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come and talk to you 	

How about a hot date?	

How about you and I going halves on a bastard?	

How bout you and me go back to my place and get you out of those wet clothes? 	

Hypothetically, what lines are effective with a girl like you?	

I am an organ donor, need anything? 	

I bet I can tell you what's on my mind	

I can raise your blood pressure	

I didn't know that angels could fly so low! 	

I had a dream about you last night Would you like to make it a reality?	

I had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile, so could you please smile for me?	

I have only three months to live 	

I hope you don't mind me giving you this rose, but, I just had to show it how you beautiful you are 	

I know you, I dreamt about you last night	

I like every bone in your body, especially mine	

I lost my phone number Can I borrow yours? 	

I miss my teddy bear Would you sleep with me? 	

I must be lost I thought paradise was further south 	

I never pass up the opportunity to say hello to a beautiful woman	

I saw you playing in the band, I play the G-string myself	

I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven 	

I think I could fall madly in bed with you 	

I thought women like you traveled in packs	

I want to bear all your children	

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands 	

I was sitting here holding my cigarette when I realized I'd rather be holding you 	

I was, am, and will be crazy about you 	

I won a great prize for my pick-up line Would you like to hear it? "Hi!"	

I would die happy if I saw you naked just once! 	

I'd gladly give up celibacy to be with you 	

I'd love to be a bar of soap in your shower	

I'd spend money on you I haven't even made 	

If beauty were music, you'd be a symphony	

If god made anything prettier, I hope he kept it for himself 	

If he doesn't show, I'll be right over here	

If I could be anything, I'd be your body lotion	

If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bath water 	

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together 	

If I follow you home, will you keep me? 	

If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me? 	

If I said you had a nice body, would you hold it against me, please? 	

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning 	

If we were all alone, what would you do to entertain us?	

If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me 	

If you were a flower, I would pick you! 	

If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you 	

If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now! 	

I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours? 	

I'm an American Express lover You shouldn't go home without me! 	

I'm available for the next hour	

I'm choking, I need mouth to mouth	

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight	

I'm filthy rich and have 6 weeks to live	

I'm in advertising Would you like to be in our next photo shoot?	

I'm lost Which way to your house?	

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock! 	

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you 	

I'm not just an interesting person, I have a body, too	

I'm not like all the rest of the guys here, honest	

I'm not picking you up, I picked you out	

I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there 	

I'm on smile patrol, you have exceeded the smile speed limit	

I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to 

Inflation isn't the only thing going up around here	

Inheriting fifty million  doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart 	

Is it hot in here? Or is it just you? 	

Is it just me, or does everyone here have a pick-up line?	

Is it me, or are we the only two here not trying to score?	

Is it possible that we can see each other again?	

Is that your smile, or did you pay for it?	

Is there a fire in here or are we just standing too close?	

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off? 	
Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes! 	
It's a jungle out there so let me be your guide	

I've been noticing you not noticing me	

I've been trying to meet a person like you for hours	

I've been waiting my whole life for somebody like you	

I've been waiting my whole life for someone like you	

Just where do those legs end?	

Lets do breakfast tomorrow Should I call you or nudge you 	

Let's exchange some family values	

Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway! 	

Let's go lie down and talk about it	

Lie down I think I love you 	

May I have your autograph?	

Mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?	

Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in? 	

My drink is getting lonely, would you like to join me?	

My face is leaving in 10 minutes, be on it 	

My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your blouse	

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love 	

My sign's right-away, what's yours? 	

Nice shoes Want a shag? 	

Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are gorgeous	

No wonder the sky is gray today, all the blue is in your eyes	

Nothing tastes as good as you look 	

Of all my relationships, I like sexual the best	

Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings 	

Our chromosomes were meant to be together	

Pardon me, are you in heat?! 	

Pardon me, but are those stretch marks around your mouth? 	

Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner? 	

Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants 	

Pardon me, what pickup line works best with you? 	

Perhaps you recognize me from adult movies	

Say, didn't we go to different schools together? 	

Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? 	

Sex is a killer Wanna die happy? 	

Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?	

So do you fuck, or do I owe you an apology? 	

So how will I see you again?	

So what are the chances that we can engage in anything besides just conversation?	

So what part of heaven are you from?	

So you are the reason that my insides are doing a dance	

So, what time do we get off?	

Somebody better call God, cause he's missing an angel! 	

Stand still so I can pick you up! 	

That dress would look great on my bedroom floor 	

That's a nice blouse could I talk you out of it? 	

That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing 	

That's enough undressing me with your eyes, let's get out of here	

The best of me is behind me	

The girl I'm with, oh, she's my sister	

The last time I saw you I was dreaming	

There are 206 bones in the human body How would you like one more? 	

There must be something wrong with my eyes I can't take them off of you	

There's a party in my pants and you're invited	

Think you can dance in those shoes? 	

This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single	

This menu looks good, but you're the most delicious thing here 	

Those jeans seem to be working over time, what time do they get off?	

Today has been a dark cloud, would you care to be the silver lining? 	

Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 	

Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on earth! 	

Wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere? 	

We voted you "The most Beautiful Girl Here" and the grand prize is me	

Were you checking me out or did my ego just kick in?	

Were your parents Greek gods? Because it takes two gods to make a goddess 	

Weren't we married in a past life?	

Weren't you on some soap opera before?	

We've got to keep meeting like this 	

What are you doing later today- tomorrow and the next day? 	

What can I do to make you mine?	

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in the room?	

What time do you get off and how? 	

What time do you have to be back in heaven? 	

What would it take for a guy like me to go out with a girl like you?	

What's a nice girl doing in a place like this?	

What's so funny, are you falling in love?	

What's the best thing to come out of a penis? The wrinkles! 	

What's your favorite position on extramarital sex? 	

What's your name, so I'll know who I'll be dreaming about tonight	

When's our wedding?	

Where have you been all my life? 	

Where we supposed to meet for dinner?	

Where were you the first time you heard this song?	

Which is easier? Getting into those pants, or getting out of them?	

Why don't you come back here and fall in love with me! 	

Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between the two of us 	

Why don't you surprise your parents and not go home tonight? 	

Would you come back to my place and pet my dog?	

Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa? 	

Would you like someone to mix with your drink?	

Would you like to come over to my place later? You can bring some friends because my face seats four	

Would you like to have morning coffee with me 	

Would you like to take a shower?	

Would you like to watch the sunrise together?	

Would you rather go out or stay in for breakfast in the morning?	

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel? 	

You are the reason men fall in love	

You are truly beautiful, can you cook? 	

You are why I come here alone	

You don't have to play the lottery to get lucky	

You don't know me, but you'd like to	

You have pretty eyeballs Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls 	

You look familiar, aren't you that girl from my dreams?	

You look like an angel Welcome to earth 	

You look like some one that I'd like to talk to	

You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book So, what's one more? 	

You look like you need a real man	

You look so sweet your giving me a tooth ache	

You make me so nervous that I've completely forgotten my pick-up line	

You make my eyeballs happy 	

You must be lost because I have never seen anyone so beautiful here before 	

You must be the real reason for global warming 	

You smell delicious	

You with those curves and me with no brakes! Mmmmm! 	

You: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? : Her: No: You: Well then, please start 	

You: Tickle your ass with a feather? Her: What?! You: I said 'Particular nice weather?' 	

Your face or mine? 	

Your mind is what interests me the most	

Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time? 	

Your opportunity for total fulfillment has arrived	

Your place or your place?	

Your smile is like sunshine	

Your voice is like music to my ears	

Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart 	

You're hot stuff!	

You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign 	

You're so sweet your going to put sugar out of business	

You're the one I've been saving this seat for	

You're very easy on the eyes	

You're what God imagined when he said "Let there be woman"	

You've got a smile I'd like to wake up to	

You've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming across 	

(Check female's blouse tag) Just as I thought, made in heaven! 	

(Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?