The Jokes Page

Man driving along the road when he sees a young boy walking home
Man: Give you a sweet will you come in my car
Boy: Give me the packet I'll come in your mouth

whats green and eats nuts?

Did you hear about the new Air France Service.  
Take off from Germany by Concorde and we'll fly you straight into the 
hotel. Did you realise that the French killed More Germans in the plane 
crash than they did in both world wars.
113 cars going cheap.  One burnt owner.
I wonder who's putting the towels on the ships sunbed now

have you heard in the news recently, that FIFA are only allowing 11 
players in the squad for this years competition. In respect for the 
Russians. NO SUBS LEFT

What's the worst thing about licking a bald pussy?
Trying to get the nappy back on afterwards

What has no hair and 10 fingers on it's ankles?
Gary Glitters latest girlfriend

two paeodophiles on the beach and one says
"excuse me, your in my son"

Q. What's Blue and sits in the corner?
A. A baby in a plastic bag.

Q. What's Red and sits in a corner?
A. A baby sucking a razor blade.

whats the best thing about an eithiopian blow job?
you now she'll swallow.

A woman's just had a baby. The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news.
"Whats the bad news?" the woman asks.
"Your baby is ginger" says the doc
"Whats the good news?"
The doctor replies,
"Its dead."

What is the ultimate fuck?
Fucking a pregnant lady while the fetus sucks your dick.

What's the absolute worse thing about screwing a four year old ?
When she tells you she's had better......

A guy walks into a whorehouse and says I want the best whore you have.
The madam tells him the only whore I have left is an 97 year old woman
He thinks about it for a moment and says ok . They start fucking and 
he starts sucking her tits and he gits some milk out he was supprised 
but keep on sucking ang fucking. When he got done he said I thought 
you would be to old to have breats milk. She said I am to old to have 
breast milk but I am not to old to have breast cancer  

a boy says to his dad: "how old do you think I am today?"
Dad: "I dont know"
Boy: "Eleven"
He then goes into the next room and says to his Grandma: " Guess how old
I am?"
His grandma puts her hand down his trousers and fondles with his
After a few minutes she says: "Eleven"
Boy: " How did you know"
Grandma: "I heard you tell your father"

A doctor walks into the maternity ward with a baby. He drops
it on the floor and then kicks it into the air, heads it and
finally does a flying kick and sends it out of the window.
The mother bursts into tears. Straight away the doctor says to
her, "can't you take a joke, it was still born anyway".

Gary Glitter is going on holiday to Florida.
"When I get out of prison I am going to Tampa with the kids."

Whats better to fuck than a three year old?

What is so good about fucking a four year old boy?
You can turn him around and pretend they're a three year old girl

Q:  What do you call the smallest pub in the world?
A:  The Thalidomide Arms.

Q:  What's black and blue and hates sex?
A:  A rape victim.

Q:  What's got two legs and bleeds?
A:  Half a dog.

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd
gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I
made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set,
a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball
glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second
kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."

Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after using them.

A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You
look like shit. Rough night, eh?"
He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew
His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."
But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!

What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
Having two legs.

This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl
 for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She
 whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels
something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as
he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds
a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon
 after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you
sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last guy was!"

A man desperate for sex goes to a whorehouse with only $5 to his name. He
approaches the madam of the house who politely informs him that five dollars
won't get him anything. He pleads and pleads for sex until the madam finally
tells him: "OK, go to room five."
Our horny hero heads over to room five, opens the door and sees this just
absolutely beautiful blond girl lying there naked. WIthout any hesitation, he
jumps on her and starts going at it. Five hours later, he's almost done when
sperm starts coming out of her ears, her eyes, her mouth....just everywhere! The
 guy freaks and runs to the front where he tells the madam what's happened. She
yells out, "The dead girl in room five is full again!"

Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand!

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.

Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know
what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week.
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with
me?' to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like
changing nappies'. So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?' and the
doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.

Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum

Q: What's the definition of disgusting?
A: Stuffing a dozen oysters up your Grandmothers cunt and sucking out 13.

Q: What's another definition of disgusting?
A: Licking the sweat off your Grampa's back while you fuck him up the bum

Whats red silver and bumps into walls?
A baby with forks in its eye

Q: What do you call a leper in a spa?
A: Porridge!!!!!!!

What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic.

One day a guy picks up a hooker during his lunch break and noticed that he
got regular milk from her right breast, but chocolate milk from her left
breast. Thoroughly amazed, he bragged to his friends about this when he
got back from lunch. As expected, they were skeptical of his claim.
After 30 minutes of vehemently arguing, they agreed that one of his
co-workers would pick up the same working girl on the follow day to verify
his story and they made a $100 wager.
The following day, the coworker went to the red light district and picked
up the working girl that he had described. He sucked her right teat and
sure enough, he got regular milk. He did the same to her left teat and as
he was told, he got chocolate milk.
That is just so unreal he exclaimed.
What's that, honey? the prostitute asked.
"Well, from your right breast, I get white milk and from the left, I get
Oh yeah she responds, smacking her gum, "Some call it chocolate milk,
some call it breast cancer!"

Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A: When she has to chew before she swallows.

The famous stage magician had a great climax to his act: he would fill a large
bowl with shit and proceed to slurp it down, to The amazement and delight of
the audience. One evening he had just begun the wow finish to his act when he
stopped dead in his tracks. "Go ahead," murmured the stage manager. "Eat the
shit! Eat it!"
Can't do it, said the magician. "There's a hair in it."

What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?
An erection.

What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.

Why do they call a pap smear, a pap smear?
If they called it a cunt scrape no woman would have one.

Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
It's warm, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.

My girlfriend asked me to give her 9 inches and make her bleed........
So I fucked her 3 times and punched her in the face

How do you stop a baby from crying?
Take your dick out of it's ass

Q: What's better than sex with a sixteen year old?
A: Nothing!
Q: What's better than sex with a sixteen year old?
A: Sex with two eight year olds...

What is the difference between a 12 year old boy and a 12 year old girl?
Nothing when your fucking them in the ass...

why didn't the cat eat it's supper?
because i nailed its head to the floor

What slides down toilet walls
George Michaels latest release !

A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You fuck a lot better
 than daddy does."
I should, mommy taught everything I know

A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous
 to assume you can screw me on our first date? "
Well, yeah the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a
first-grader to be using?"

A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation.
Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day."

Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most
important account!!"
Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?"
Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."

What's the difference between a child molester and a Greyhound Dog?
The Greyhound Dog waits until the hairs out of the box. ( rabbit)

A catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see two 12
year old boys throwing a baseball.
The priest says to the rabbi, "Let's go fuck those little boys..." and the rabbi
 replies, "Out of what?"

This little girl is in her house right after christmas and she is looking out
her window on a beautiful day. Outside all the neighborhood kids are playing
with their new toys. She asks her dad if she can go outside.
Dad: You can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad I'll be good.
Dad: No you can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad, pleeeeeeeaaaase! I'll do anything.
Dad: ( being somewhat of a pervert) OK, I'll let you go outside on one
Girl: (Looking excited) Anything dad.
Dad: If you want to go outside you have to give me a blowjob.
Girl: (Freaking out) WHAT? Are you CRAZY? Forget it.
The girl goes over by the window looks outside and starts grabbing her hair
going crazy wanting to go outside. She looks over to her dad, then outside, then
 to her dad then all of a sudden...
Girl: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it.
So dad pulls down his pants, pulls down his underwear and whips out his dick.
His daughter grabs it and puts it in her mouth and starts sucking. then...
Girl: AAUUGH! (spit, spit, gag, cough) Dad that tastes like shit.
Dad: Oh, it must be because your brother borrowed the car in the morning.

What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !

A man is in the shower with his 6-year old daughter when she asks "Whats that
between your legs daddy?"
Thats a penis honey. he replies.
Will I ever get one? she asks.
Yes, as soon as mommy leaves for work

How do you know if your sister is having her period?
Dad's cock tastes funny.

A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much
to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go
around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns
 to the priest and screams, " Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a
second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"

Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was school?"
Little Johhny replies "I had sex for the first time today!" Little Johnny's
mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his
 father to get home. Later, Little Johnny's father comes to his room, sits down
and says "Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't
The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks "Did you have sex
again today, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny replies "No, my ass still hurts from

Did you hear Elton John & Michael Jackson are doing a duet?
'Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me'

Do you know how Michael Jackson can tell when it's bedtime
When the big hand is on the little hand.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One's white, plastic and dangerous to young children. The other is a plastic

A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car.
The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like a lolly?"
The girls looks over and says "My mum told me not to take gifts from
strangers....but if you give me $20 I'll suck your dicky!!"

A wee boy is sitting at the edge of a cliff, eyes fixated at a burning car down
on the rocks. A priest comes up to him."Little boy" he said "What's the matter?
Where's your mummy?" The boy pointed solemnly to the burning wreck "Oh no" said
the priest "What about your daddy?" Once more the boy pointed to the car "Oh
that's terrible" said the preist "What about your brothers and sisters?" Again,
the boy pointed at the burning car
Oh that's awful, little boy said the priest as he unzipped his fly "It's just
not your day is it!"

What is the best part of fucking a young child?
Hearing the bones crack.

What's the worst part?
Getting the blood out of your clownsuit.

What's the best part of fucking a four year old boy?
You get to kill him afterwards.

Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They
 used to grow up together in the old neighborhood and go fishing every chance
they could.
Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other, the two friends
embarked on a fishing trip and began talking about what was going on in their
Hey Bill, Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?"
Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Imput Ellen?!? Yeah. I
remember her all right! Didn't she have sex with the entire football team?"
Yep. That's her. Mike replies.
Well, what about her?
Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly.
Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife.
Boy...I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen! Bill says
Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and
lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't have sex with her at all."
Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!
Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really
can't be touched."
"But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the
Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is
 riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm not even supposed to kiss her."
Bill looks over at his friend perplexed..."So if you can't fuck her, suck her
tits, get a blow job or even kiss her...why did you marry her?!?"
Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says:
She shits the best worms!

What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
The nappy

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
'I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!'

Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude
named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the
daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To
which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".

Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?
A: Nice tits. Bitch.

Three surgeon at a conference, one from America, one from Russia
and one from Manchester. 
The American "I did a heart transplant last week and saved the 
life of a multi-millionaire." "That's nothing", says the Russian,
"I did a full heart and lung transplant and saved the life of a
new multi-billionaire". The Manchester surgeon pipes up "Well,
I did a new procedure last weekend. Transplanted a pair of tits
onto a man's back". The Russian asks "Was he rich ?" To which
the Manchester doctor replies "Yes, if his arse holds up to the

"Daddy, daddy, what's a pervert"
"Shut up and keep sucking"

A paedophile and a kid are walking through the forest one night.
"It's dark in here, I'm scared"
"Yes kid it is dark isn't it"
"I don't like those horrible noises either"
"It is kind of spooky as well"
"My friend says it's haunted in here"
"Kid, will you shut the fuck up. I've got to walk back on my own later"
Q What's got one ball and fucks women
A Peter Sutcliffe's hammer

Q What's the difference between apple pie and pussy
A You can eat Granmas apple pie

Q What's blue and fucks grannies
A Hypothermia

Q What's the last thing a cannibal does when he dumps his girlfriend
A He wipes his arse

Q How do you make a 1cm hole into a 5cm hole
A Use a paedophile

A woman is sat in the maternity hospital knitting and every so often
she takes a swig of phalidomide. Another woman sees her doing this
"Don't you know what that stuff can do ?" She replies "Yes, but I can't
knit sleeves".

Q Why did God give women multiple orgasms
A So they can fucking moan when they're happy too

A bloke is sat talking to his mate at the bar. "Do you think they will
disbar me for shagging that patient" His mate replies, " I dunno, do 
the same rules apply to vets ?"

Two railway engineers are working one Sunday night. They take it in 
turns to walk a mile whilst the other one takes the car and waits 
further down the track. One of them shows up two hours late. 
"What happened to you mate ?"
"I found this woman about half a mile into my walk"
"And ?"
"Well, we had lots of sex"
"And ?"
"I give it to her from the front, doggy style and up the arse"
"Did she give you a blowjob ?"
"Doubt it. Couldn't find her head anywhere"

Q How do you know the wifes dead ?
A The dishes start to pile up

Q What's got wings and sucks blood
A Panty liner

Q Why does a dog lick it balls
A Because it can't make a fist