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why do dogs lick their privates?
because they can't make a fist...
When To Go Home
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he
looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and
asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times
before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your
pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When
she looks good enough, I'll go home."
how do you know if your at a gay picnic
hot dogs taste like shit
Two flies on a piece of shit
One farts.
The other says " Hey pal do ya mind, I'm tryin' to eat here"
A guy walks out of the local pub pissed as and proceeds to walk home. On the
way he kick an empty beer bottle against a wall and smashes it. Out pops a genie
who says, "Thank you for setting me free, for that I shall grant you
one wish." The guy answers, "Well, I love getting pissed so I would have to wish that I
piss vodka." The genie answers, "It’s unusual but it is done." The guy stumbles home
where his wife is waiting and tells her to go and get two glasses. When she returns he
proceeds to piss into the glasses and tells his wife to drink up. Of course she wont but he
explains about the genie and eventually she tries some. To her amazement it is vodka and
they both drink themselves stupid. This cariies on for three nights. On the fourth night, the
husband comes home from work and tells his wife to go and get one glass. The wife asks,
"What about me?" To this her husband replies, "Honey, tonight you drink from the bottle!"
What's the difference, between pink, and red?
yer grip!
(wanking. if you don't you don't get it)
What do you do when a scouser covered by blood is walking at your backyard?
Stop laughing and shoot him again!
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to visit the zoo. They spent the
whole day there and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage. The man noticed the
gorilla looking at his wife. "I think that gorilla is getting excited looking at your tits," he said.
"Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first the wife declined. But finally, persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down."Hey," the husband said,
"Let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He
climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
"Now," said the husband, "Try telling that motherfucker you have a headache!"
Have you heard the one about the Homosexual cowboy?
He rode into town and shot up the sherriff!
Have you heard the one about the Homosexual Garage attendant?
He liked the smell of Benzole.
Have you heard the one about the Homosexual Arab?
He was found dead up an Ali!
two gays driving down the road.
first gay sees a dog licking his dick. first guy says "wish i could do that",
second gay guy goes" don't you think you should pet him first"!
A blond brunette and a redhed, all in 3rd grade, which one has the biggest tits?
The blond! Why? cause she's 18
What does "wife" stand for?
Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.!!!
NASTY SEXIST JOKES:
You've got to love them,
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers you to be a f*cking slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking my dick.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's OK, because after I get done shagging the arse off you in
the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load on your face.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, because you seem like the kind of psycho bitch that is
impossible to get rid of once you've done her.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me, as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it up your shitter.
A man goes into a bank and walks up to the cashier's desk. Nice tits love,
I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.
I beg your pardon?" replies the cashier. Listen you dumb bitch," he says,
"I want to open a fucking bank account!"
"I'm sorry sir," she says, bottom lip starting to quiver. "I can't help you
if you're going to talk to me like that." And with that she leaves her
window, walks over to the bank manager and whispers in his ear.
The two return to the window and the manager asks stiffly, "What seems to be
the problem here?"
"There's no fucking problem," the man insists. "I just won 10 million
dollars on the fucking lottery and I want to open a fucking bank account!"
"I see sir," the manager quickly replies. "And this slut's giving you a hard time, is she?"
Why does a bride wear white?
So she will blend in with the rest of the kitchen appliances.
A Man was taking his ten year old son for a walk, when
he saw two dogs fucking , the lad turned to his dad
and said (Sithee dad two dogs fucking ) the father
slapped him round the head and said How many times
have i told you about saying sithee.
A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire
rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope
you don't mind but I really do need to have a wee". Slightly taken aback
by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge".
She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he
can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and
imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a
moment longer he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching
her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly
and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage
hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror "My God Mary have you changed
your sex!". "No" she replies", "I've changed my mind, I'm having a poo
instead".
there's this really successful middle-aged guy, lives in Teddington with a horse in
the garden, a Rolls, a Lammy and and Rageover. He's been married 20 odd years...
one day he's rooting around in his dead father's attic and finds a bottle with wax
sealing it down. Being a man who never shrunk from anything in his life - he opens
it with a gold plated pen-knife he happens to carry. Out comes a genie mopping his
brow and sneezing. "thank god for that" the genie say, "I've been in that bottle for
the last 3,000 years give or take a day or two, no-one to talk to, no rain, no sunshine,
no fresh-air. All I can say is thanks, and let me grant you one wish - anything you like..."
"There's nothing", says the guy, "you can see I already have everything I need, no really,
there's nothing, glad to have been of assistance."
"Come on", says the genie, a bit put out, "the must be something...?"
"Really", says the guy, "there's nothing at all, my health is good, I have millions in the bank,
nah, don't worry yourself". "Anything, anything at all, you opened that damed bottle for me -
I have to do something for you. Just name it". "Oh, okay", says the guy, "there is just one thing.
I've never been to Las Vegas in my life, I'd like to see how I do in the casinos." "No problem",
says the genie, "tommorrow morning there'll be first class tickets on the best airlines all the
way to Vegas, there'll be a car laid on with a driver, the best hotel for one month - is that
enough time? And as much money as you can gamble will be in your bank account."
"No good", says the guy, I'm allergic to flying." "Then I'll arrange everyhting by cruise liner",
the genie says, "first class all the way". "No good", says the guy, "my wife gets terribly seasick".
"Shit", says the genie, "there must be someway you can get there, I want you to have what you
want, I cant forget how you let me out of the bottle!". The guy thinks for a bit... "Why not
build a bridge so we can drive there?", he asks the genie. "WHAT?", the genie shouts, "do
you know how far Vegas is? More than 4,000 bloody miles over the deepest oceans in the
world - there're chasms 5 miles deep, how am I supposed to get pilings down that deep???"
"Okay okay", says the guy trying to calm him down. But the genie is really upset. "You're
the first person has asked me something I can't do, can't you think of something else so
I can reward you properly?..." The guy thinks for a bit, "well, there is one thing, it's a
question I've always wanted answered, can you answer it for me?" "Go ahead", says the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted to know what it is that makes a woman's brain tick".
"How many lanes do you want on this fuckin' bridge", says the genie.
Guy goes for a sex change and his boyfreind and him are a bit worried. The hospital staff
are very very good and boyfreind is told to go home and come back tomorrow and everything
will be OK - however he is told to expect that his partner will be very very sore.
All that night the partner is worried, and can hardly contain himself with worry. Eventualy he
goes in to see his loved one and can see the pain... "Is it really sore then? he asks "Groan"
is the reply. "What's the sorest bit - is it where they have cut your chest to put in the
false boobs"? - "Groan....no" is the reply. "Well, is it where they have cut off your dick
and all that" .. groann no is the reply.
"Christ luv - what could be more sore than that"?
"Groan - well (sob) it's when they shrunk my brain and stretched my mouth"!
This guy goes to the doctor
"my arm keeps talking to me" he says
"What?" says the doctor - "this I've got to hear" and he puts his stethoscope on the
guys shoulder bone.
"what's it say?" the guy asks the doctor, the doctor scratches his head in amazement
"it said - 'hey - lend us twenty quid!' and sounded as if it meant it too, does this happen
anywhere else?"
"yeh" says the guy, "try the elbow". The doctor puts the stethoscope on the guys elbow
and it says "give us fifteen quid - I have to go to the doctor". The doctor's really amazed
by now and decides to try the wrist of the guy. Sue enough it says "oye! give us a tenner
will ya?"
The doctor sits down and thinks for a minute.
"What do you think doc?" asks the guy.
"Well", says the doctor, "I think your arms broke in three places!"
This guy's been married (to the same woman), for 15 years. In all that time they'd never
had it away doggie fashion. Really desperate to try it out that way he asks her "chicken-
pie, how about we do it doggie fashion tonight?"
"Okay", chicken-pie says, "but not in our street though"...
Another guy goes into a chemist shop - "gimme 13 packets of condoms" he tells the girl
behind the counter.
"That's £14 - plus tax" she tells him as she rings up the sale.
"Forget the tacks" says the guy, "I'll tie 'em on as usual"...
The madam opens the door of the brothel and sees an amputee waiting on
the doorstep. She says "Sorry pal, there won't be much use you coming
in here". "I rang the door bell didn't I" He replies with a grin.
whats the difference between leicester piggott and gary glitter???
leicester piggott is licenced to ride three yr olds!!!
What's soft and warm when you go to bed, and hard and stiff when you
wake up?
Vomit.
What do pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common?
They're both nice, but you wonder who was there before you.
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
Slow.
How do you spot the blind man at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.
Why did God put men on the earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
What's the difference between a golfball and a g-spot?
Men will spend twenty minutes looking for a golfball.
What's the difference between eating pussy and driving through fog?
At least when you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of
you.
What's the similarity between walking a tightrope and getting a blow job
from an eighty year old woman?
In both cases you don't really want to look down.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
A beautiful girl goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. The doctor
notices that the girl is visibly nervous and starting to tremble, so in a
calm and soothing voice he askes her to sit in the chair and, when she is
ready, to remove her knickers and place her legs in the styrups.
Starting to relax now she smiles at the doctor and removes her underwear and
spreads her legs. At this point the doctor looks up at the girl and asks:
"Is this your first time for this type of thing?". "Y..y..yes, d..doctor"
replies the girl. The doctor smiles and tells her "the instruments can be
quite uncomfortable, would it help if I numbed you down there?". The girl
nods.
Five seconds later the doctor has his head between her legs and all she can
hear is "numb, numb, numb, numb...".
Q. What kind of bee produces milk?
A. A boo-bee.
Q. Why are women like parking spaces?
A. The best ones are taken and the rest are disabled.
What are the three two letter words that mean small?
Is it in?
Q What's the difference between doing a 69 and driving through a speed trap?
A With a 69 you can see the prick coming
This woman goes into a bar and tells the bartender "give me a Coors
Light." Well, she drinks like a fish, and passes out at the end of the
evening. The bartender looks around, everyone has left, so he jumps over
the counter, fucks her, then puts her in a taxi home. Then next night
she comes in, says "give me a Coors Light", drinks all night and passes
out. The bartender fucks her and puts her in a taxi home. The third
night, the same thing happens again.
The fourth night she walks into the bar and the bartender says
"Coors light?". The woman says, "Hell no, give me a Millers, Coors Light
makes my pussy hurt."
One day, a man walks into an antique shop in London. Looking around, he
notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The
sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100
pounds for the story that goes with it."
"I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."
The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats
emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking
over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster,but every time he passes
another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked
two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are
beginning to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into
a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars.
Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the
bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt. No matter how
fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands,
but millions. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of
the River Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred yards long behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post,grasping it with one arm
while he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post,
he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the
banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he
makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.
"No," says the man, "I was wondering if you had a bronze Manchester United fan!!"
His and Hers Perfect day
For HER
08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;
open presents expensive
jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of husband's / boyfriend's ex and notice that she has
gained 7 kg
13:00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer
16:15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle
hunk who says that he
rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in front
of full length mirror
19:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners
/ dancers
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed. Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.
For HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blow job
06:30 Massive, satisfying dump whilst reading the sports pages
07:00 Breakfast. Rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by
naked buxom wench
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Several whiskeys en-route to airport
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
09:30 Limo to St. Andrew' s golf club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lb) on light tackle.
17:00 Fly home. Massage and hand job by Elle McPherson
18:45 Shit, shower and shave
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn
legalised
19:45 Dinner. Lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953); big juicy fillet
steak followed by ice
cream served on a big pair of tits
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohiba cigar in front of wall-sized TV
showing International Match
of the Day. England 11: Germany 0.
22:45 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
23:30 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansingale
00:15 Night cap blow job
00:30 In bed alone
00:35 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to
leave the room.
Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of
truelove?
The swallow
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove
and refrigerator..
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at
you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once
and they eat what they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your
dick.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with alot of blowing and sucking, and in
the end you lose your house.
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch
sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips
called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in
there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look
at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he
tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
Yes, she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
That is correct, says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
Do you know what I'm doing now? he asks.
Yes, says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
That's right, replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse
with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
Yes, she says. "You're getting herpes."
The Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their
house from about 30 feet away and they could tell that someone had just broken
in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has
been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, " Did you find anything missing?" "
No." she said
Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?"
No. He said " But my tennis racket smell like tuna fish!"
A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous
woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and
comments about her to his mates.
Yeah, she is pretty good. his mate replies, "pity she's a man."
The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.
No, it's true. A friend of mine knows him personally.
The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at
the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out
what sex he/she really is.
So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a converstaion. They hit it off
really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close
up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and
get to know each other. The woman agrees.
Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the
woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue
the'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car,
explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.
This is my chance says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is'
So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he
sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.
Fuck me she's got a dick! he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and
races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.
Oh my gosh! The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"
And I didn't know you were taking a shit the man replies.
A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequillia. So the bartender pours
nine shots and the man downs one after the other. "Holy shit!" the baretnder
exclaims "That's the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before -
whats the occassion!?!" "My first blow job" the man anounces quite plainly
Well the bartender replies "let me buy you another!" "Listen, if 9 doesn't
take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help."
A travelling salesman was driving along when his car broke down in front of a
very large house. He walked to the front door and an old Chinese man answered
the door. The old man said, "You may stay, but do not do anything to my
granddaughter or I will subject you to the Chinese Torture Test." The man agreed
thinking, "How hard could it be. It's only one night, right?"
That night at dinner, he met the granddaughter. She was the most gorgeous thing
he had ever seen. Throughout dinner he couldn't help but stare at her. He had,
afterall, been travelling for six months. Later that night, he snuck into her
room and made wild passionate sex to the granddaughter and then went back to his
room and went to sleep.
The next morning he woke up with a large boulder on his chest. There was a sign
on it that said, "First Chinese Torture Test: 100 Pound Boulder on Chest." Being
a very strong salesman, he managed to heave the boulder out the window of his
third storey room. He noticed a rope, and another message on his chest read,
Second Chinese Torture Test: Boulder Tied to Right Testicle Without thinking
he leaped out the window after the boulder. Outside the window was another sign,
"Final Chinese Torture Test: Left Testicle Tied to Bed Post."
There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with
big festering pus-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her
legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.
This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to
pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of
her boils.
She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy
was desperate for money and agreed to do the job.
He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off
and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the tought of the task
ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to work,
biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his
face.
He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly
woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and inside
of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with
blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of
crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.
Okay lady... the man said with a gasp, "I did it...now give me the five
grand..."
Just a second, sonny... the woman said with a grin, "there's one more left!"
She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic
boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass. The man
rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this
far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face
first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it repeatedly trying to make it
pop.
Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.
The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her:
WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?!?
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum."
The doctors says "Drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
Fuck me!! says the doctor " What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
How do you get a woman to scream twice?
Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.
What is black, white, red, and has trouble going through revolving doors?
A nun with a spear in her head.
Q.What do you call a swimming pool, full of disabled people?
A.Vegetable Soup!!
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the
Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a
shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark
naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in
public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust
and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the
overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating
another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the
husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it
feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?". The wife
again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the
honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband
would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would
refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and
enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels
like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to
the overweight woman on the front porch.
What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your
cunt? she asks, hesitantly.
I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off me
an' my watermelon."
Why doesn't Tiajuana have an olympic team?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already over the border
A spastic kid is visiting Disneyland and having a wonderful time. He makes
his way over to an ice-cream stall and says
'Hello, can I have an ice-cream please'
The guy looks down and smiles
'Of course you can sonny, what flavour would you like?'
'Oh it doesn't matter' Says the kid. 'I'm going to drop it anyway'
What's this? (stand with your arms outstretched, like an airplane)
A *really* shitty way to spend Easter
Q. What's red and white and sits in trees?
A.A sanitry owl.
Two homeless drunken fuck-ups are wandering through the streets at an
ungodly hour scrounging through rubbish bins, dumpsters and such for their
dinner. The first guy looks up and says "hey, I just found a dead rat- you
want some?" whereupon the second shakes his head in disgust and says "no
way, are you outta your mind?!?". The first guy says, "fine, more for me"
and proceeds to scoff down the dead rat.
About 20 minutes later, the first guy finds a dead squirrel. The
second again refuses his offer to share, and the first again chows down on
the offensive fare.
Less than 10 minutes after that, the first finds a dead cat, and the
same scenario unfolds.
Later that night, the first guy vomits up the entire contents of his
stomach. "AHHH!" says the second. "Just what I've been waiting for-- a
hot meal!
A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, the most
amazing piano music starts being played. He thinks it is the most
wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist.
I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful
Thank you very much says the pianist
However, I've never heard this song before, what is it called?
It's called: I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits
Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it. I must say though, that I'm
having a party in a couple of weeks and would love you to play at it, but
perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be
playing - my gu
ests wouldn't appr
No problem says the pianist.
2 weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and
he's playing liking a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most
dreadful music he has ever heard.
What do you think you're doing says the guy
I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank
A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are
here
I know but I can't play well until I've had one
OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and
just get back here as soon as you can
10 minutes later the guy comes back from the bathroom, sits down at
the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to.
After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but
do you know you're cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your
trousers ?.
Know it ? he says, "I wrote it"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes
over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that
he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she
begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face
with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.
Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him. she says,
running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
I'm afraid I can't breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room!"
Q: What did one homosexual say to the other homosexual at the gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in?
Two homosexuals were talking, and one had a pained look on his face.
What's the matter, Brucie? asked the other homosexual.
Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie. Could you check it out for me?
OK -- bend over.
So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand up his ass.
It's deeper, Markie!, says Brucie, so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "It's
-deeper-, Markie!", so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "I feel it!" says
Markie, "What is that?"
It's *deeper*, Markie!, says Brucie, so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still.
"Ew!", says Markie, "It's wrapped around my wrist! What -is- that?!" He pulls
his hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!", he says, "What are you
doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you......
Jonny the homosexual is showering with his boyfriend, Danny, all of a sudden
Jonny notices a little cum-looking puddle on the ground and get's furious :
Danny, what did I tell you about farting in the shower?
Two lesbians in a bath.
Lesbian one ... Where's the soap ?
Lesbian two ... Yes it does doesn't it !
FOR AN EXPLANATION OF THIS JOKE CLICK HERE
There's two homosexuals inside an old abandoned house having anal sex, when
suddenly one realizes their out of vaseline! So one of the homosexuals tells the
other homosexuals he'll be back in a while, with more vaseline, and not to
jack-off. Later, when he returns, he see's cum all over the walls and floor,
this angers him, and enraged he asks the other homosexual "why did you
jack-off?" Then the other homosxual says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted."
There's a homosexual who wakes in the morning and he walks into the kitchen, and
see's his boyfriend Johnny jacking off into a bag, so then Ralph (the first gay
guy) asks "what are you doing?" To which Johnny replies, "Packing your lunch."
How does a homosexual fake an orgasm.
He spits on the other guys back and moans
Whats the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
Three Homosexuals are discussing their fantasies..
The first says "OOOo, my fantasy is to be a hair dresser and do nothing but
touch people's hair and cut the hair of famous people and wash hair. OOoooo,
that would be sooo sexy."
The second says "I'd love to be a top fashion designer and desgin all the new
clothes and have the sexy models model them on the catwalk and have everyone
love my clothes. That would be super."
The third one says "I'd love to be playing in a game of football with the
Canberra Raiders(an australian team) against the Brisbane Broncos (another
Aussie team)"
The other two say "Is that all?"
Homo 3 replies "Oh not at all. I can imagine it. We're down by one try. There's
two minutes left. Laurie Dayley passes me the ball. I run down the full length
of the field, dodging all the Broncos. And then two metres from the try line I
fumble, dropp the ball, the siren goes and the broncos win the game and my team
loses"
The other two look dumbfounded. "How is that a fantasy?" they ask.
Couldn't you imagine it? says #3, " Ten thousand Canberra fans screaming "FUCK
HIM! FUCK HIM!!"
