How women take chat-up lines Man: Haven't we met before? Woman: Perhaps. I'm a receptionist for a V.D. Clinic. M: Haven't I seen you someplace before? W: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. M: Is this seat empty? W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down. M: Would you like to go back to my place? W: I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock? M: Your place or mine? W: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. M: I'd like to call you. What's your number? W: It's in the phone book. M: But I don't know your name? W: That's in the phone book too. M: So, what do you do for a living? W: I'm a female impersonator. M: Hey baby, what's your sign? W: Do Not Enter. M: How do you like your eggs in the morning? W: Unfertilised! M: Hey, come on. We're both here for the same reason. W: You're here to pick up a real man too? M: I know how to please a woman. W: Then please leave me alone. M: I want to give myself to you. W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap, shoddy gifts. M: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. W: Yeah, But if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. M: Your body is like a temple. W: Sorry, there are no services today. M: I'd go through anything for you. W: Good! Let's start with your bank account. M: I would go to the ends of the earth for you. W: But would you stay there? How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? Who knows? It's never been done. Why are men like parking places? The good ones are always taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped. Why do black widow spiders kill their mates after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. How do we know God is a man? Because if God was a women, sperm would taste like chocolate. Why are cival servants allowed to look out of the window in the morning? Because they wouldn't have anything to do in the afternoon. I married Mr Right. I just didn't know his first name was Always! What should you reply if he asks you, "Am I your first?" "You might be, you look familier!" Things you should never say to a naked man: *Aw, it's cute. *I'm sorry. *Can we just cuddle. *They have surgery for that. *Wow! And your feet are so big! *But it still works, right? *I've smoked joints fatter than that. *Does it come with an air pump? *Did you date Loreena Bobbit? Bored of him boasting about the size of his salery? Have a laugh at his performance on the job instead! *Accountants do it with Double Entry. *Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. *Ambulance drivers come quicker. *Bankers do it with interest. *Bartenders do it on the rocks. *DJs do it on request. *Petrol attendents pump all day. *Mountain climbers like to be on top. *Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free. *Waiters do it for tips. Special thanks to New Women magazine for the jokes!!!!! Q:What do you have when you've got two little balls in your hand? A: A mans undivided attention! Q: Why are men like laxitives? A: Coz they irritate the shit out of you. Q:What do you call a man with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q:Why do men marry virgins? A: Because they can't stand criticism. Q:How does a man show that he's planning for the future? A: He buys two crates of beer instead of one. Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A; 45 minutes. Q:Why is a man like a snow storm? A: You never know when he's coming, how long he will last or how many inches you'll get. Q:Why go for younger men? A: You might as well. They never mature anyway! Q:What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. (Inspired by a good friend of mine, who's still trying to make it big, both in the world of music AND women!!!!!!!!)You know who you are!!!! Q: What's the difference between a man and ET? A: ET phoned home. Q: What's a mans idea of foreplay? A: Half an hour of begging. Q: Why is a woman different from a PC? A: She won't accept a 3 inch floppy! Q: When should you care for a mans company? A: When he owns it!!!